Sometimes Being Right Sucks [Day ?]

So, I have kept to my 30 Day shred and have been going Yoga. Running is not happening because of the crazy weather here. It's cold and rainy like it were October or November.

On Tuesday I got my Shellac! It's now friday and my nails still look like I walked out of the salon. Awesome!! I chose Iced Coral because it's light sheer color that I am hoping I can keep on at least 3 weeks to minimize the cost of going and getting it done every two weeks. I am going to have it done a few times in the summer for all the weddings I have to go to. But then, I am thinking that I may purchase the materials and the UV lamp and do them myself. I used to do my own acrylics once upon a time. I was insanely slow at it and I don't like the damage they cause. They also didn't last as long as a professional set would have and I didn't know how to fill them. Still, Shellac is alot more like polish than acrylics are. I'm hoping that watching the manicurist and enough youtube tutorials that I'll be able to do it.

Sadly, on Wednesday I binged. I knew it would happen once I got my reward. I'm back to 124 and not happy. I figured I could go with a 900 calorie budget for a few days and be back on track. But I can't get the will power to restrict - yesterday was fine, but today I've already had a cookie. I know that I am going to see the BF in two weeks and we'll eat out alot. Then I have 3 weeks until Jamaica. I may have to be okay with being 120 and wearing a different bikini. I don't know. I just want to stop feeling ashamed for eating something I like.

I found this blog today: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com

Visually the blogger is real life thispo but naturally that way. She's vegan, says she eats a high calorie diet, and from the looks of it, most of it is raw. And she's an avid runner.

An idea I have been toying with lately is making my own versions of my guilty pleasure foods. I have done it with pizza - I much prefer my homemade pizza to anything else (except maybe Amy's spinach pizza)- and now bread (I've made two batches of home made whole wheat beer bread [doesn't require yeast] and plan on branching out). On wednesday I ended up with pretzel M&Ms, king sized twix, 3 donuts and a frapuccino, cheez itz, Dhal and rice and 4 quarters of naan, 3 taco bell tacos (with beans not meat), and a non-diet cherry coke. I purged most of it. And by most I don't mean caloricaly (studies show that because you begin absorbing calories in the mouth purging [vomiting] only rids your body of about 30% of the calories eaten). I mean that I attempted to, or did, vomit everything I ate that day.

I can't really learn to make a twix bar or a cheez it. But I can make cheese topped bread, and I can learn to make an approximation of a donut that isn't fried. Which is where the blog comes in. She has tons of vegan recipes for sweet things. And it has me on a new mission to treat myself once a week and find something to make to curb these binges.

I know that my problem with wednesday was that on tuesday I wanted to eat out, but I denied myself. On wednesday I decide to give in to pretzel M&Ms since one package is 140 calories and I could include it in my calorie count. But with the stress of homework looming, the scale stuck again at 121.75, no new reward lined up for not binging and the next thing I knew I was at the vending machine, I was going out for lunch, I was at the gas station, I was at the grocery store and the whole time I was saying "fuck it, what does it matter anyway? I can't get past 120.75 so I might as well eat what I want" and I did.

If I had let myself go out on Tuesday, given in to a Panera sandwich or salad, I would have been much better off. I would have had a few extra calories that day but I wouldn't have felt the need to go whole hog the next. And I wouldn't be sitting here with an extra 3.25 pounds to get back to where I was last week. The moral of the story - not only do I need to build in non-food rewards and have several on the horizon, but I need to allow myself something once in awhile.

As far as a real plan I am in a bit of a limbo state. I don't know how to re-commit myself. I don't realistically think I can get to 118 before June 10 or 115 by July 4. It's depressing me and right now I just don't want to deal. I have to change something about my attitudes toward food and eating, but I can't deal with it at this moment. Having said that I went 16 days with out a binge! I can't forget that I did accomplish something. In the past few months that would have been unheard of. Now I know that I can do it. And once I do figure my shit out, I will be able go even longer than that.