{this was a missing post from when blogger went wonky a week or so ago, sorry blogger lost your guys' kind comments}
[This post is not food or weight related, so feel free to skip it if you're not interested in my "life sucks" rant]
Fly, Fly Away....
I want to be anywhere but here right now. I managed to run/jog for close to an hour and spent a good half of it in tears.
I'm sick of fucking waiting. Waiting for something better to happen to me. Waiting for my life to start. Waiting for something else. I've felt like this for so long sometimes I don't notice it. The last time I didn't feel this way was the end of 2007 and into 2008. I had an awesome social life, I was dancing all the time, I had money in the bank, I had a new job, I was meeting and dating good guys (and some not so good, but those didn't last long or at all).
Now my job is shit and I hate just being there. I have a BF I love, but he's gone and I can't lean on him right now without selfishly adding to his stress (and we've had this convo anyway). I don't have the money to move out on my own because my savings is gone. I've had amazing experiences while I whittled away at it, but still. I am not faced the fact that I have no money. I had to call my dance teacher and cancel my lessons. I can't afford them. I can barely cover my bills with my paycheck right now. I already booked my Jamaica trip and that bill will come due soon too. I hate having to give up something I love to do, something that builds up my spirit because of money. But, I'm hoping I can use part of the money I save on other things to help lesson the blow and get back to them in the fall.
I feel utterly stuck right now. The BF is finishing his degree sometime in the next year. He'll graduate in Dec '11 or May '12. That's a big difference. It's shitty to feel like I'm waiting on him, but I am. I don't want to break up and look for a job elsewhere. I don't want to get a new job now if he's going to leave with a new job in January (I want to work somewhere for a year before leaving). But I want to get out now if he's graduating in May. Of course, he doesn't know what he wants to do. He can't really until he's done with this internship. I can't expect him to make his decision for me either. So why do I feel the need to base my decision on him? I feel terrible for making him my escape plan, but I want to be with him and I don't see any other choice but to wait.
In the mean time I feel miserable. I feel like a failure in my life. I'm too old to not have this shit figured out. I freaking live with mother! Yes she is gone 6-8 months of the year and I live alone, taking care of her house. But the rest of the time I want to tear my hair out. I overheard her complaining to my aunt about the things I change around the house that she doesn't like. And yet, did she ever tell me not to do something? I remember asking before changing some things - like moving furniture. I remember changing others while she was gone (emptying bookshelves) and then telling her when she returned (early!) that I would put everything back the way she wanted. She told me not to bother.
And of course, I could bring it up, and say look, you just need to tell me about this stuff and I won't do it! But then she'd be hurt and feel guilty and let me know it. I learned her passive aggressive tactics really well. BF calls me on it all the time. The martyr routine is a special favorite with her. It just frustrates me to no end. I know she loves me and she wants me to live here. But to over hear that shit, makes me want to pack up my stuff and get the hell out (except I can't afford in unless I move close to my job and stop all my extra curricular stuff and travel).
I just want to get the hell out of the here and now.
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| When will I begin to live again? One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday... |
I wish I could be happy with the small things - my weight loss, the fact that I jogged for 51 minutes and burned almost 700 calories, that I didn't binge today even though I am feeling down. But I'm just feeling really sorry for myself right now.
5 comments:
honestly I think if you HATE your job that takes a major toll on other aspects of your life. Like you, i HATE (not dislike, hate) my current job and i'm stuck (my bfs job stuff) until his new job or transfer (whichever comes first) goes through. If you spend 8 hours a day at a place that just makes you pissed off and stressed its hard to shake that when you leave the workplace.
You're allowed to feel bad about stuff sometimes a few wallowing days clears your head. Hopefully your jamacian vacation will be a good refreshing break for you.
your run was pretty amazing, GOOD JOB:)
~ H
I was in a similar situation when I was living with my grandma. She was living somewhere else and would only come to the house for about 3 months out of the year...and boy did she complain...about everything! I moved out when I was 21 and she was really upset! Weird...I could have sworn she didn't want me there anymore.
Things will get better....just keep working on it, day by day.
~MLM
:( I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. As Harlow says, hating your job does take its toll on the other aspects of your life. You spend so many hours there, and when you don't enjoy it, those 8 hours feel like days.. I hope you feel better and that you soon find something you enjoy.
When it comes to the BF.. I have always been the one that have chosen their "needs" before mine. Thinking I have to adjust to them. And not been moving on with my life cause I didn't want to lose them. In my last relationship it went pretty far. I quit my job and my apartment contract (after he asked me over and over to move inn with him).. Well he lived in the Netherlands, and back then I was in Norway, so it was huge change.. A lot needed to be fixed.. almost 3 weeks before the move, he came over and visited me and broke up saying "it doesn't feel right".. After that crash I learned to never do something just because I am afraid of losing a person.
I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how to live your life.. But if you are really this unhappy, and can't remember when you were happy the last time, maybe you should put your self at first and take the step. If he loves you enough he will follow. If he doesn't then its his loss..
I'm gonna finish this wall of text. I hope you are feeling better today, and you have been doing amazingly with the running, and not binging when you feel horrid.
*hugs*
I feel like that sometimes and it feels like nothing good is happening to me and i keep waiting for that chance to open up so i can prove myself but its a long time coming.
Dont worry though things will get better, its not a bad thing that you want to build a life together with your boyfriend. In the meantime foucus on the little good things, like running for practically an hour, i can barely do 5 minutes lol and the fact the youre doing good on the weight loss. The rest will fall into place on its own. :) x
Obviously you are not alone here! I know how you feel. I have SO BEEN THERE!! Hating your job takes a major toll on you and every other aspect of your life. Just hang in there! Once your BF gets done and knows where he's going then you can look for something else and things will get better. I still sometimes feel like a loser but life is what it is. We make our decisions and we have to find some sort of peace with it. You will get there.
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