The ups and downs of feeling like a failure [One Week]

One week from right now I will be sitting in the Ft. Lauderdale airport waiting out a ridiculously long layover while waiting to get to Jamaica.

Last night was rough. I cried for a huge majority of it.

I went to my aunt's get together and had more pizza than I should have - 3 pieces, but with out cheese, I figured I could afford it and had a ton of salad to go with it. I actually said no to the cake and ice cream that was out for my cousins 20th wedding anniversary. At least I said congrats though. So, when I left there at 9 I was feeling pretty good. I left early so I could get some studying and work done at home. But, construction made my trip home take way longer than it should have. And I was really frustrated by the time I made it in the door.

Now, I will preface this with: I did not binge. But I wasn't exactly good either. I really wanted something sweet and faced with a fast day today, I don't know what I was thinking, but I opened up a box of raisins and started munching. Then out came the almond butter - something about raisins and crunchy peanut butter - not as good a chocolate, but still good. I didn't go over a single serving of either, but still that's 330 calories I didn't need to consume. And I was under my limit for the day (by 55 calories) after the pizza. I felt like such a failure. And immediately I was feeling fat. I kept trying to tell myself that my body wanted something in those items: the protein, the iron, what ever it was, my body needed it because I didn't go for any of the candy I have stocked in my freezer. I didn't make a mug cake. I wanted raisins and almond butter, and as far as "desserts" go, it could have been way worse. I could have actually binged. So even though I was feeling fat, I tried to calm myself down. I put some whitestrips on my teeth to keep me from going back for more though.

By then it was pretty late, and I haven't been sleeping well. So I decided I was going to finish a quick fix sewing project for Jamaica then go to bed. Well, I go get the dress off the drying rack - I washed it the day before so that I could work on it.

It's ruined. I could have sworn that I washed this dress before. It's about 3 years old. I've worn it about that many times. I LOVE it. I honestly thought that some day I'd use it as inspiration for my wedding dress. It's similar to this one.

Except that mine is red, black and white. So the tie back is red, there is red piping at the top edge, the bottom has a red and black band, and the flower print is black.  Also, it's way more flattering on me. The top is gathered and is a little more sweetheart than this one, so it makes my boobs look awesome. It's semi fitted thru the waist, but it just skims my hips. It's also just short enough to be super cute, but not slutty.

And it's ruined. The red bands all ran. So there is an edge of pink on all the white where it's sewn together. And there are specks of red on the bodice and all down the back from the ties.  I was 99.9% sure that I had washed it in the past, so I don't know what happened this time. The directions on the tag said wash cold. I washed cold. I cried so hard. It still makes me want to cry. I didn't get to wear it last year because I was too big. A few pounds in this dress makes it really uncomfortable.

I was so angry that I can't even do fucking laundry right. That I couldn't remember for 100% sure (that .1% of doubt makes a huge difference) if I had washed it. Maybe I had hand washed, or spot treated it. I know I've danced in that dress, so why wouldn't I have washed it afterward? Arghh. I am so mad at myself right now just typing it. I was ready to drive out for a dozen donuts last night.  I know that emotional eating is a problem and hurt/angry feelings are a huge trigger for me (I can look at pictures of the food I want all day and not go for them, but make me mad and I'm at Taco Bell in five minutes). So on the one  hand I am glad I didn't give in. But I had a pity party anyway. I actually planned what an all day food bender would like for me from the moment I leave the house for work in the AM to getting home at night all the different places I could stop and what I would get. I won't mention specifics in case it's triggering to some, but lets just say that it includes no less than 10 different stops, probably closer to 12 or 13.  Not that that is going to happen.

But, the funny thing is. Just going through and writing down, basically organizing around where I would go, how I would drive to and from work to hit all of these places with out going out of my way to and from work - something about organizing it all calmed me down. (Though it's kind of scary that one possible route to work has all those places that would help me binge - it's not a route I generally take tho, thank goodness). I was actually able to sit down and do some homework after that.

On the one hand, the dress is a Juniors size 3. I recently made a promise to myself that I would stop buying and wearing odd sized clothing (junior sizes). I already look young for my age. I get mistaken for a college student at work. Once when out with my dad somebody thought I was a teenager. If I want to be taken more seriously I need to wear serious clothes - but this dress didn't make look like a kid. I'm hoping that once I calm down I can try to spot clean it with some oxyclean and woollite. Or, since I can sew - take it apart to make a pattern and go buy fabric for a new one - which is easier said than done. I've only ever sewn from a paper pattern before.

Anyway, I'm still having trouble sleeping. I was up til about 1:30 and still didn't fall asleep. My plan was to do some cardio this morning to start of my Fast Day. But I decided I needed to sleep. When my alarm first went off at 5:30, I got up (got a huge calf cramp!) and weighed myself, I was not happy! But, when I got up at 7am and weighed myself I was 118.25. So, I think sleeping in was the right idea. I know that's only a quarter of a pound drop in three days. But I'm hoping I can fast and come out of it tomorrow correctly so that tomorrow and friday I don't blow up. Then it's on to the weekend.

I am still so freaking tired though. I'm taking a nap on my lunch hour. It's mandatory now. That we take a lunch break. Some new requirement. Which I think is ridiculous, but whatever. After work I start my new tutoring gig. I am a little nervous. I don't really know what I am going to do with this kid. I hope she and her mom doesn't figure out that I'm just winging it.

I'm totally like this girl in front and left - as white as my bikini! I need to get some color before I go. So I can look like the latin chick off center right in the back row.