Shame

I have been in hiding. I have not wanted to post this and yeah, I probably didn't have to and only I would know. But, that's not the point of my blog. And I can't change what I don't acknowledge nor would it explain why I am still stuck at 123.

I spent last weekend binging and purging. It was not pretty. I basically spent a ton of grocery money on junk - soda, nacho cheese, salsa, chips, multiple bags valentines candy, twizzlers, donuts and pizza. Then spent the whole weekend alternating between stuffing and puking. On Monday I was 125 and my healthy eating chain has a serious gap in it.

I have been relatively good since Monday though. I have been eating around 1500 calories, but I also have been working out twice a day burning 800-1000 calories a day. Yesterday at work I did have a cookie and a brownie because we had a staff charity lunch. In the end they weren't even that great, and I had to run a little longer on the treadmill to burn some it off.

I posted my calendars. I know it seems silly to have had them and been marking Xs while they were in a drawer, but I was embarrassed that my BF might see them. I don't know why, but feel stupid for needing things like this to keep me on track. I bit the bullet though and my healthy food calendar (with about 4 days in a row not Xed off, and only a / for yesterday because I was close to good) is on my fridge, and my exercise one (which actually is looking pretty good)next to the TV where I work out to my DVDs. I'd rather explain to my BF that I need this type of visual motivation than binge and purge again like I did.

I went and bought more Mega T diet pills. The lady at the check out carded me! I am not even joking. If I had been feeling like a bitch I would have confronted her - #1 they are over the counter and #2 just how young does she think I am? I don't look younger than 18 even on no make up days (though I have passed for 16/17 before - that's close to 1/2 my age!!) She was old so I am guessing she was being "grandmotherly," but still who's she to tell me what I can't buy or use, what I need or don't? I could get really worked up about it, but I choose to laugh it off and take the age thing as a compliment and the "judging" thing in stride.

The BF actually wants to do something for valentines this year! It's kind of not like him, but we haven't been seeing much of each other between our work and school schedules. I am thinking, since I have been good this week working out I might actually put a little sexy outfit on for him. We'll see. As for working out I have graduated from girly push ups in my workouts to regular ones. I can do 20 girly ones, but only 5 or 6 regular - My new fitness goal (until I can get my own place and can have chin up bar installed in a doorway) is to get to one legged push ups and military push ups). So I am on my way!

I have been surprisingly upbeat the past couple of days. I can only guess it's the added workout endorphins and maybe the clean food getting the crap out of my system from the weekend.



This is a one legged push up, and also similar to a military pushup her arms are closer into her body than military style, but still great for your triceps. The medicine ball probably helps work abs since you have to stabilize your core to do the push up.