I'm ridiculously mad at myself. I actually kept track of what I ate and I'm already at 2000 calories. No work out because I have a huge project due tomorrow that I have been procrastinating on. I know that on some level that is what I am doing when I binge. I do it to avoid other things, other feelings. It needs to stop.
I have gone into the bathroom three times now thinking of purging. But I haven't. As hateful as this feeling is, I don't want to do it.
I wish I had blogged when I wanted to eat instead of shoving candy in my face.
I actually weighed in at 121.25 this morning. How awesome is that? And yesterday even with a birthday party I kept very close to my challenge numbers - I was at 1000 net or super close, because only had two bites of frosting-less cake, no alcohol, and danced for at least half an hour on top of my 500 calorie workout in the morning.
So why did today have to go down the drain. Why did I have to let my feelings about this project get me to sabotage myself? Why do I procrastinate? I have yet to determine if I am afraid of failure or success. What if I do well on this project? What if more projects come my way because of it? Will I be able to quit my job? Will it become my career? But what if I suck at it? What if they wonder why they enlisted me in the first place? What if they realize that I am a total poser who only wants to do this, but has absolutely no confidence in her abilities?
I'm also snowed in - again - so I can't even get out of my house to work and not eat. I mean, unless I want to total my car or kill myself on the roads.
I feel so shitty about myself right now. What the hell is wrong with me?
2 comments:
You are going to have to pick yourself up and keep on going. That's all there is to it. Don't give up. I do the same thing. When I get a project at work I start stressing out b/c I'm so afraid I won't be able to figure it out or do it. I usually do fine. So will you.
Just try, try again. Never give up and you will never really fail. Failing is when you totally give up.
Believe me, I know how you're feeling. If you've read my blog, then I'm sure you've read my many many fuck ups. We're only human, but we can overcome. We have to believe this!!!
Much love,
~MLM
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