Struggling

So I'm sitting right around 122.  I had a bad time right after I got back from being out of town. I had an okay time. Alot of it I wished I could have just vegged at home - which I know is not the "real me" talking. But when I got home I was just really down. I didn't want to go back to work and then Fat Tuesday came around....

Anyway, my food is on track again and I think I can make my 121 goal for Monday. My size 4 Banana Republic pants are so loose on me. But the size 2 that I bought on clearance is still a little too tight. They're definitely winter pants though, so if I don't get into them in a couple of weeks they'll have to be put away until Oct/Nov.

It's snowing out again, which means that I can't go running. I might be a baby compared to some, but I refuse to run through snow.

And now it's Saturday night and instead of getting off my ass and driving to a dance where my friend are at. I'm wallowing in carbs and lazyness. I don't know. It goes til 2am. I could still make it for most of it if I left soon. I just am not sure I'll enjoy it if I did go just because of my current state of mind.

I have my first therapy session on Friday. I went in yesterday and answered a million question survey on the computer. I think sounds like I'm pretty fucked up. It asked a huge amount of agree/strongly agree/disagree/strongly disagree type questions. Some asking you to rank what you are like. And I didn't put any as strongly. Which I thought was weird afterward. So all these adjectives and I don't think any of them actually describe me. That's weird, right?

Anyway, I think I made a mistake and mentioned binging even though I don't think I qualify as binging anymore. It's more like emotional eating. But I didn't mention that I'm trying to lose weight. So hopefully I won't get pegged as ED. I'm not looking to fix that problem.

I've been reading alot today about Jealousy and resentment in relationships. It's clear that I've got a problem and I need to put things into perspective if I want my relationship to work.  But, thankfully I realize this and want to change it.

Alot of what I was reading was really helpful in terms of emphasizing a bit of what I already know - that it's a slow poison, that it'll create what I'm trying to avoid, that it's a mechanism borne from insecurity, fear, and/or anxiety, and that I need to combat it with forgiveness and compassion.

I've been checking on my bf's apartment while he's gone and the March issue of Experience Life magazine (he's got a lifetime gym membership) came and there's a great article in it about how to improve your relationship with out talking about it (by the authors of this book). It laid out how men and women react to fear and anxiety different. And that talking about the relationship may make a man feel like he's not being a good provider. It also talked about how a relationship isn't about communication it's connection.

I'm not ready to say that I'm upbeat about things just yet - what with the BF being on Mt. Kilamanjaro and it'll still be 3 weeks before I even get to see him again - but I feel slightly better that I am making some positive strides forward. I'm actually about to email just to say hi so he has something to read from me when he's down from the mountain. How's that for reaching out? I realized I had only responded to his emails since he left and that's not very nice.

These pictures were too funny to pass up posting...