Monday and Stuff.

Yesterday ended up being a semi productive day. Not as productive as I would have liked. But I cooked a bunch of food for the week.  My weight was up this morning. 125. But I suspected as much. My period is over so things are evening out (including my moods!).  I didn't get any exercise in, because I had to cook for today. Plus I did eat out with my friend at Olive Garden. I kept it healthy, but ate more than I should have and I did eat some candy while watching Once Upon a Time. Still, I'm okay with it that's still 3lbs in 1 week. I looked in the mirror today and I can see some slight changes - like my boobs look deflated. And some of my work clothes fit better. I just have to make sure that I keep up the work and make the scale go down! Though I am going out of town on Friday, and I don't know if I'll have a fridge in the hotel, so I'm trying to think of what I can take with me, to be healthy stick to my cals, and not have me eating out a lot.

The girlfriend I went out with is in a pretty shitty situation with a guy she wanted to be in a relationship with. He treated her like crap all the time and she would bend over backwards to try to make him care about her. Like she hand designed him business cards and printed them for him too. Now they are pretty much quits, but because they work together he's still taking every opportunity to put her down and tell her what a bad person she is for not caring about him. But she does, she would still date him in heartbeat if he changed his mind. He's the one who clearly stated that did not want to be her boyfriend. Yet he gets huffy when she goes out with someone else. I feel bad for her, but at the same time talking to her always makes me feel great about my BF and our relationship. Sometimes I forget all the small ways he shows me how much I mean to him. And my worst complaint is that he doesn't spend 100% of his time with me.

She did make one good point though is that when I do have another conversation on this topic with my BF that I have to be straightforward and say "I feel insecure when you do X. Do you think you can change X so that I can feel more secure in our relationship?" I think that he'll say he'll try harder. I see evidence of him trying harder in our daily lives. The problem is that him going to his old study-abroad town is big sore spot with me.

I know that I am bringing issues to my relationship that are not helping the matter. For one I am being hypocritical. I love my alone time. I like going dancing by myself. I understand his need for time with the guys and trips with just the guys, but then I get mad when he actually does it. I say that I know people need to be individuals with in a relationship, but then I want him to include me in every little part of his life. I'm also not blameless in my own lack of trust - I snooped on his computer a little over a year ago and that's how I found about the girl he was dating when he met me. It's not that he was doing anything untrustworthy to deserve my snooping. I was actually looking for what kind of porn he saved on his computer and found (clean) pics of their time together instead.  It's harmless, I've got pics of me and my exes on my computer too. Not because I still love them or want to be with them, but they are fond memories of my past.  I just need to learn how to let the past go, to forgive him for not being as relationship ready as I was in the beginning. Is it weird that I am kind of looking forward to finding a therapist? I just really want to be the kind of person who isn't so insecure and jealous. I didn't used to be.  Sometimes I think I might be as fearful, if not more fearful, of commitment as my boyfriend.

Comments:

Be honest and tell him how it makes you feel: I feel like I have done this, but perhaps not in the exact words: "I feel insecure when you exclude me from certain events in your life."  I have told him that it must change when we move and he says that he's trying. I do see that he's trying. In this instance about is vacation it's just that extra sore spot with me wanting to go to Africa myself, wanting to see where had studied abroad and that he had been there with this other girl. I can only trust  his word that he will take me there eventually.

Is this just how he is and might he be the wrong guy for me? - To some extent, yes, this is how he is. He wants time with his friends that doesn't always involve me and he should be allowed to have that. Hell, I want that sometimes too. He's also had bad experiences in other relationships that have caused it.  And I've seen the progress he's made as he gets over it and sees that I am not anything like those girls. The one plus to is that when he does do these things for me I know that he is doing them because he is ready and wants to do them. Only time will tell if he's right for me. For now, he is. He makes me see myself as more than I think I can be and makes me want more for myself. He won't let me settle, and even in my family, I don't think I've had any one tell me that I am setting the bar too low for myself. It's scary, but cool that he believes in me that much. Sure I'm wondering if we're gonna survive the next year as a couple, but I'm willing to keep trying.

Did he ask me to move in knowing I'd say no? - Nope. He was shocked and hurt and had to be convinced that it was a better idea for us to live apart. I think that if we'd decided lived together, he'd have his guy's night out, just like I have my nights out for dancing or with the girls.