Let's get this out of my system

I was down again today. Yay! The scale hovered between 123.75 and 124. I'm counting it as 124.
Thanks kitty, miranda, and sleepwalker for the comments on my previous post. I am so happy to be down again - Is it weird that every time I'm able to lose my BF is out of town? - I think it's a combination of taking the junk food out of my diet again and working out in the morning. I think my body likes that the best.


Today ended up being a really low calorie day - it was half on purpose. I woke up feeling so down, I lay in bed crying for awhile and just not knowing if I could get up to even function.  So after I dragged myself out of bed and had breakfast, I took my very last half of an adderall (the one I've had since August).  I think it had lost most of it's potency. I didn't feel excited or hyper at all. Just focused and more positive in general. I managed to get most of my laundry done, clean up my office/craft room and organize a whole bunch of papers and get them filed away. I even was able to free up a whole bunch of space on my computer since it's been giving me a "Start up disk is full" message every day.  But it meant that I didn't feel like eating. Even when I knew I was hungry I just didn't feel like having anything. I did eat some healthy stuff because I knew I should. I didn't exercise though, so I think it evens out. That and speed + exercise scares me. I don't want to have a heart attack or something. But it was my last one anyway.

I was supposed to be out dancing right now. But my girlfriend bailed on me. I texted her that we could do lunch on Sunday, and I even called and left a voicemail, but nothing. So who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Since I am not sure if I'm going to get to go out with my GF tomorrow, I feel the need to get my personal shit off my chest.

-- It's really long, so if you don't want to read it, that's totally okay. But I need to get it off my chest--

Basically, even though he's half the world away and will be gone for another month, we are in a fight.   It is an argument we have had many times that he doesn't include me enough in his life. That it is more than his need for space and guys night out, but that he literally doesn't want me included in parts of his life. He says that this isn't the case, but I don't feel that way. For a long time, it was true too.

Our relationship has moved at a glaciers pace because he wasn't ready for something serious when we met. He had ex's poach his friends in the past so he didn't really want for me to get close to some of his for awhile. He claimed a bunch of school functions were more about networking (to be fair he started taking me to those, and his school friends told me it was clear he loved me before even said it) and he wouldn't always come out to the stuff I invited him to.  I found out at some point that he had been dating someone else when he met me and we overlapped for a few months - I wasn't happy to find that out, I have always been the kind to date one person only, but I also didn't make sure were exclusive and we were still "just dating" and not "in a relationship." So, I can be mad about it because I feel like I was stupid, but it's not necessarily like he did something wrong really.  I have good reason to think that he was friendly with her (long distance) for longer than he lets on, but I don't think he was cheating on me.

I dont' think he's traveling to cheat on me either. But, I did ask him if I could join him on the last leg of his trip when he's making one stop in Europe for a few days to see old friends and his study abroad family. I thought it would be nice for him to show me this place since it means a lot to him.  At first when I brought it up he said no problem right away and cleared it with the family so we could stay together. Then the next time we talk he says it's not a good idea for me to come out after all.

He has a bunch of bullshit excuses about why. Like - he's seeing his old boss and coworkers and it will be awkward for me; we can do a better trip later; it's a short trip for the money & I don't know what my situation will be with a job and a new place to live.  First of all - any trip we take there will include his friends who don't speak alot of english, awkward now or awkward later who cares? I've also met this boss he's talking about. Why is my money situation his concern now? I paid a $1500 plane ticket to Asia, a $1200 trip to Jamaica, a dance competition that cost around that after all the lessons and only once did he ask if the Asia trip was going to cost too much. ONCE, I said no and he dropped it.  Besides, I was going to try to use frequent flyer miles and told him upfront I wasn't sure if I'd have enough to cover it so not to buy two train tickets yet.

 He's been saying we'll do a trip there for ages, we never have. We've taken ONE trip that he planned and I just tagged along to his work conference in Florida. The other trips coincided with him being abroad and other events. Our time together in Asia and Europe I planned.  He's had no problem planning his "guys only" trips though.

Easier said than done.

Add the that I know he's traveled to see that other girl very early on in our dating (the end of theirs).  I told him how suspicious it looked - he guarantees me he's not seeing anyone over there and he's not hiding anyone from me.  I actually do believe him. But it doesn't make him not wanting me over there hurt any less and the fact that he has never done anything like that for me.

How is this the same guy that asked me to move in with him? I wish he would just be honest and tell me that he wants to see his friends by himself if that's the case.  Or tell me he's concerned that if I focus on traveling that I won't get a job or a place to live so I can move when he does. At least that would be a legitimate concern.

It turns out, that I don't have enough FF miles to go. So the issue is all moot. And I'm furious that he brought it up before I could even check. I would have been so happy to know that he'd said yes with out even so much as pausing to think about it the first time.   I love him. I know loves me. I don't want to break up with him and we were both doing so well since we got back from Spain. We were both trying really hard to work on what ever was frustrating the other.  I was calling him more, he was inviting me out to stuff even if he thought I'd say no. Now this, and I'm wondering if we will ever meet in the middle on this stuff.

So now I am just angry and sad. We can't resolve this problem over the phone. I know that my insecurities and my own lack of things to keep me busy at home are a contributing factor.  I think that I am depressed again, and probably have some trust/intamacy issues myself. I think that I need to talk to a therapist and found a place that will offer a sliding pay scale, so I may go in if I can get a time outside of work.

I know I need to, but I don't know how.