I miss her

Recently the BF was looking at some photos on my phone. I keep two galleries on their of "thinspiration." I don't know why, I don't really even see them any more they've been there that long. Most are pretty innocuous - just VS models, or fitness models. And a few of me back when I was my skinniest.

I know that my BF thinks I'm attractive. I know that he thinks I'm sexy.  But I also know that he appreciates a slightly smaller girl. He 100% does NOT think I'm fat. He will take me at the weight I am now, and the weight I was then. He pretty much just loves me (and my body).

But seeing those pictures, and looking at a few others that are on my Facebook -- recently some people have been commenting on an old dancing photo that I am in asking the guy "who's that girl?" And the people asking, they don't know me, so that's fair enough, but as I was looking through the photos from then I started thinking "who is that girl? And where did that girl go?"

I miss that girl.

Me Before

I know that happiness shouldn't be a number on the scale. But I can't help but think how happy I was then. And maybe it wasn't about my size, exactly, but it certainly was about confidence.

I feel like crap right now, and for more reasons than just my weight of course, but that does have a hand in my moods.

I am down to a small handful of clothes that actually fit me. I'm wearing the same things to work over and over again. And I have a wardrobe of smaller clothes that will last me months if I could squeeze into them.

I think about how much work I've put into Body Revolution. The money and the time and the sweat. How much I've put into my running, new shoes, new socks, time and effort. And I'm proud of my fitness level. I've gained quite a bit of endurance - I never would have thought I'd be running more than 30 minutes straight at once - and strength - hello crazy pushups!  But I haven't lost a single bit of weight. My scale says I've put on fat %.  Because I eat like shit. Because I have zero self control.

I miss the old me. I miss being in control. I miss feeling good about my body.  I just can't figure out how to get back. Every time I try I lose it, sometimes it's a week later, sometimes only a couple of days. But I don't know what happened to my resolve.

I hate looking like this, living like this. But I don't know how to change it either.

Me Jan 2013