Lucky

I have been having a rough week.

I had a freelance gig this month - a whole month to work on it and I waited until the last minute. The job comes through a family member and sometimes I think I take advantage of that. But even so, I had a well laid out plan to get it done slowly each month a few pages at a time. But I didn't follow it. I'm also still holding on to all this extra weight and it just made me super blue.

The BF totally noticed. I think I did an okay job for most of Saturday. But the fact that I didn't go out to see him on Friday, because I said that I needed to work, and then proceeded not to work, tipped him off that something was wrong.

Fast forward to about midnight on Saturday and the flood gates totally opened about what a colossal failure I feel like. I tell everyone I'm looking for a job but let application deadlines pass me by. I don't do work at work, I don't do work at home. I am just paralyzed in my own life, letting it pass me by. And unfortunately I feel so ashamed by it that I don't tell anyone. I put a happy face on whenever I do go out, claim that I'm doing a whole bunch of stuff I'm not really doing, while inside I know I am a big fat liar. So, I'd rather stay in that lie to people's faces. I just want to curl up in a ball, watch tv and continue to let he world and it's opportunities pass me by.

So, I tell all this to my boyfriend. Who, gives me way more credit than I deserve and tells me how well I am doing with a big ass move like we made, coming to a new city with out a job and rattles off the accomplishments I have made. Tells me the ways in which he feels very similarly. Tells me that I can't let myself feel alone. And basically reaches into this cocoon of self-misery that I have wrapped my self in and pulls me out.

And when I tell him that I don't like to be a burden, that I feel like I have dumped so much emotional baggage on him, he tells me that I am light. That as far as emotional baggage is concerned I have way less than others.

And I am just floored by how lucky I am to have this guy in my life. I feel like he's put up with so much crap from me. I keep waiting for the day that he says enough is enough, I can't deal with this dysfunction, but instead I get understanding and empathy. I just wish I felt like I deserve it.