No-Win, On Again - Off Again, and Nothing but Net

Yeah, so.... I'm sick. It totally sucks. I think it's just sinus problems because of the stupid crazy weather that won't make up it's mind whether it's going to steam or rain us out. Even so, my throat hurts, I have a huge headache with neck pain, and I'm dizzy. I've been taking immune boosting supplements and I've tried ibprofen. Finally bought some excedrin migrain today. That took my headache away, but it upset my stomach and the dizzyness is still here. I can't win. And my BF said I couldn't stay home from work. : ( He's right, I need the money, and it's not the flu or anything.

I'm still heavy and I'm not happy about it. There is no way that my dress is going to fit by Saturday. On Sunday I thought it wasn't going to be a big deal. The BF came home and told me that the wedding was canceled. As terrible as it sounds, I was glad. It meant that I didn't need to try to squeeze into this dress and we would get to hang out with the Jamaican-wedding couple again for their homecoming reception. Well, yesterday the BF gets an email explaining that the wedding really is on. So no hanging with friends and now, I have to come up with something else I want to wear that looks upscale and I can dance in. I shouldn't be bummed, it'll be a fun weekend regardless, and we'll hang out with our other friends the day before or after. But, now I feel like such a failure and really stupid for buying this dress in the first place. Who do I think I am to try to fit into a size 2 again - especially if I'm not willing to starve myself or deprive myself to fit into clothes anymore. It's a beautiful dress. It's super classy and formal (and possibly, not the best choice for dancing in, so there is that) and I want to be able to wear it, but with no other formal events on the horizon... I'm just totally bummed.

I am at a weight I haven't seen since very early 2006. It is seriously depressing. The BF came home sunday night and told me how sexy I am. He doesn't even notice that I am not as fit as I was less than a month ago. It's hard to stay motivated, even if my clothes don't fit, when I have boyfriend who loves me and my body as much as he does. Sometimes I want to yell at him to make up his mind. Does he want me skinny or not? He oohs and ahhs over actresses like Kiera Knightly, then tells me that a super fit girl on the beach is too thin because she doesn't have enough butt and points out a girl who he says has a nice ass - one that is just like mine, a little wide and jiggly (even when I'm on the thinner side).

The truth is though, that I like myself better when I am thin. Why can't remember that in the face of peanut butter cups and nachos?

I wore my heartrate moniter while I was working on Friday night trying to finish that freelance project (I don't know why I bothered, the guy wrote me a bum check, and I don't know if he's really going to send me a new one any time soon). I was sitting at a computer for 2 hours and my HRM said I burned 270 calories. That's 135 an hour just sitting, that means just in the hours I am awake I should be burning 2160 calories. That makes absolutely no sense to me. I am wondering if my HRM is innacurate, which would be super sad, because I count on it telling me what I burned in a workout. Anyway I've been on mulitple websites trying to recalculate my BMR. And with the help of Loser Town I've worked out a new plan. Closer to what I was doing at the beginning of the year when I got into shape for my dance competition.

I'm going back to aiming for a net intake of calories, instead of focusing on the defit. That way if I am wrong about my bmr then I don't screw up my metabolism completely, it will also allow me a little more freedom with food, because I won't have to limit myself if I am willing to do the time workout to burn it off. Anyway, with my current weight (blech!) and doing a net intake of 700 calories a day I'll be 115 before the end of September and 106 in time for Halloween. I want to aim for that because a girlfriend and I are planning on being the black and white swan from the movie and going together. Which means, that keeping to my normal workout routine of running once a day, and doing a 30 minute circuit once a day. I can eat 1500 calories! It might be a little harder on days I can't fit a workout in, but if I keep a weekly tally of my net calories, I should be okay and not have to dip to a 1000-700 calorie intake on days I don't workout too much. So yeah, that's the new plan. It won't get me to my goal by Saturday. But, I think it'll get me there and it'll get me there healthily and happily.

I've also got to revamp my rewards since I totally pigged out this weekend.