So, I meant to be back sooner to post, but haven't (obviously). I don't want to turn this into a baby blog. I realize it's my life now, but it's not what I want this blog to be about.
Thanks for the comments Miranda and Tracy!
I don't know yet if I am actually excited about this baby. I mean, it's a baby, and even I like babies, so there is that. But beyond that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what this means for me and my life, for my relationship with my husband and for our life together.
Part of the problem is that I am over the morning sickness, but haven't felt the baby yet. So I'm in this strange limbo of seeing my body change, but not having the reason be obvious yet. I don't know if I'm making much sense there.
Having kids was not a reality to me, even though I knew while dating my husband he wanted kids, it was an abstract thought. And I honestly don't really care for kids, which totally adds to my weird excited/not excited frame of mind.
I have gained 4 lbs so far. It's a couple under what my Dr. advised, but she's advising me gain 25 lbs and I really want to aim for 20, figuring I'll likely hit a little higher. Any less and I don't think the baby will be as healthy.
Selfishly too, my brother is getting married in September, and even though I know I cannot realistically have my gain be all bump because I started out overweight, I'd like to look cute pregnant and not fat pregnant.
To that end I've been eating mostly healthy. I give in to a candy now and then, and McDonalds fries every couple weeks. I hadn't eaten McDonalds in over a decade and now I crave their fries. Stupid hormones. But for the most part I try to be good, but not restrictive. My Fitness Pal account is now set to .5 lb gain a week, but I generally don't count calories, only when I think I might be under-eating.
I go swimming 3 times a week most weeks and do Susan Bowen's prenatal workouts 2 to 3 times a week as well. This week is going to be an exception because of the holiday coming up, but on days I don't work out, I'm generally walking alot. So I think it evens out.
Even so... the idea of intentionally gaining weight is hard. I'm also pretty mad that I couldn't be more disciplined before I got pregnant to have lost the weight then. I mean I just let pound after pound creep up on me by eating like crap and sporadically exercising always saying "I'll make up for it tomorrow" but never following through.
Granted now I have to be concerned with someone else's health, but weirdly being pregnant is also sort of triggering for me. I weigh myself almost every day. I have a chart and I congratulate myself when I don't gain. But I also manage to adjust my self talk when I gain, because I'm supposed to gain. In a weird way it's working since I'm pretty close to on track. I just hope that it stays that way as I continue to gain, get bigger and watch my body change.
I realize that I have not been on here in ages. Maybe close to a year.
I have really let myself go. My fitness level has slacked and my weight is back to where I was in 2005 at 145. I'm only 5'3" so that's pretty much the top of every weight or BMI chart.
I had good intentions. My cousin was supposed to get married in August on a cruise (since been called off) and I was going to get into shape for that. Now my brother is getting married in September and I'm meant to stand up in the wedding.
I know that my mental state, being at home and not working has really led to this. I feel bad so I eat.
Except that I haven't been dieting for about 5 weeks now. I'm working out about 30 minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm mostly been watching what I eat, not really counting calories. Because I found out on my birthday that I'm pregnant.
I'm around 6-8 weeks depending on where you count from (I think it's totally weird way to count from my last period, since you can't possibly be pregnant that week, but whatever). And I have my first OB appointment in a week.
I am also pretty freaking miserable. I barely manage to get some type of workout in, usually going to the gym to swim, because I like being in the water. But beyond that I feel nauseous and tired all the time. I mean bone crushing exhaustion.
My husband doesn't get it and I end up in tears every time he talks about something around the house not getting done or gives me lists of things I can do around the house. "If you're looking for something to do," he says. No, I'm not "looking" for something to do. I know that the house needs to be cleaned, the laundry done, and dinner figured out. I know that my tomato plants won't transplant or water themselves. I realize that bills need to be paid and dishes removed from the dishwasher. And ordinarily I'd get it done.
Up until a few weeks ago I was on top of stuff I had even applied for some jobs (which I was rejected for, by all of them). and the house was looking pretty good, laundry was on a good rotation and I cooked 3 times a week (2 nights left overs, 2 nights out). Now the idea of food in general makes me want to hurl. The smell of actually cooking makes me gag. It's a good day if I can dump some stuff in the crockpot. My husband says he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready for him every night like a 50's housewife. But, I feel guilty when I don't. I went out to a job seeking meetup last week, and when I got home to see if he had cooked himself dinner only to find out it was 1 lonely brat that had been grilled 2 days before and a glass of whiskey. So, if he doesn't expect me to cook, and he can't be bothered to cook... who's going to do it? And what the hell is life going to be like once we actually have the baby?!
I can't get him to understand that I do want to be productive, but physically I feel like sh1t all the time.
Sigh... I know that I am just ranting here. But my hubby and I (and my doctor) are the only ones who know right now. We're waiting for the 1st trimester to finish before letting family know, just in case something goes wrong. I'm pretty old for having kids so it's a possibility. But I needed to vent this to someone. Even if it is sort of anonymously online.
I have really let myself go. My fitness level has slacked and my weight is back to where I was in 2005 at 145. I'm only 5'3" so that's pretty much the top of every weight or BMI chart.
I had good intentions. My cousin was supposed to get married in August on a cruise (since been called off) and I was going to get into shape for that. Now my brother is getting married in September and I'm meant to stand up in the wedding.
I know that my mental state, being at home and not working has really led to this. I feel bad so I eat.
Except that I haven't been dieting for about 5 weeks now. I'm working out about 30 minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm mostly been watching what I eat, not really counting calories. Because I found out on my birthday that I'm pregnant.
I'm around 6-8 weeks depending on where you count from (I think it's totally weird way to count from my last period, since you can't possibly be pregnant that week, but whatever). And I have my first OB appointment in a week.
I am also pretty freaking miserable. I barely manage to get some type of workout in, usually going to the gym to swim, because I like being in the water. But beyond that I feel nauseous and tired all the time. I mean bone crushing exhaustion.
My husband doesn't get it and I end up in tears every time he talks about something around the house not getting done or gives me lists of things I can do around the house. "If you're looking for something to do," he says. No, I'm not "looking" for something to do. I know that the house needs to be cleaned, the laundry done, and dinner figured out. I know that my tomato plants won't transplant or water themselves. I realize that bills need to be paid and dishes removed from the dishwasher. And ordinarily I'd get it done.
Up until a few weeks ago I was on top of stuff I had even applied for some jobs (which I was rejected for, by all of them). and the house was looking pretty good, laundry was on a good rotation and I cooked 3 times a week (2 nights left overs, 2 nights out). Now the idea of food in general makes me want to hurl. The smell of actually cooking makes me gag. It's a good day if I can dump some stuff in the crockpot. My husband says he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready for him every night like a 50's housewife. But, I feel guilty when I don't. I went out to a job seeking meetup last week, and when I got home to see if he had cooked himself dinner only to find out it was 1 lonely brat that had been grilled 2 days before and a glass of whiskey. So, if he doesn't expect me to cook, and he can't be bothered to cook... who's going to do it? And what the hell is life going to be like once we actually have the baby?!
I can't get him to understand that I do want to be productive, but physically I feel like sh1t all the time.
Sigh... I know that I am just ranting here. But my hubby and I (and my doctor) are the only ones who know right now. We're waiting for the 1st trimester to finish before letting family know, just in case something goes wrong. I'm pretty old for having kids so it's a possibility. But I needed to vent this to someone. Even if it is sort of anonymously online.
Husband and I are back from our honeymoon. Although, it was weird to come back to Switzerland instead of going back to the U.S. We don't have a home in the U.S. anyway, but still, I don't feel like I am home yet here either.
Africa was amazing. We got to see so many animals very close up -- we almost got charged by a hippo and a cape buffalo. But thankfully both decided to run away instead of come after us. I got to see a lion and her cub up close and personal as well. They had just killed and eaten from 2 impala and were too full to run away from us, so we just got to watch them until they finally moved out of our way. It was probably the highlight of my trip. That and getting to watch baby turtles hatch and crawl to the ocean. Both were pretty amazing.
I didn't end up losing any weight on the trip, despite walking 10+ miles a day. The food was great and plentiful, which I wasn't expecting. It was also almost all vegetarian which was another pleasant surprise. But it didn't help my waistline any.
We got back and were both pretty sick for a few days. We felt perfectly fine the whole trip, even the walking parts, but we get back to Switzerland and we were sick as dogs for 3 days. We kept joking that we got malaria. Who knows, maybe we did, and our Malarone killed it eventually. But we're fine now and I'm just trying to go through the 1000 pictures that we took so I can share them.
At some point in the near future I am going to have to make a decision to really do something about my size and get back to where I used to be.
Africa was amazing. We got to see so many animals very close up -- we almost got charged by a hippo and a cape buffalo. But thankfully both decided to run away instead of come after us. I got to see a lion and her cub up close and personal as well. They had just killed and eaten from 2 impala and were too full to run away from us, so we just got to watch them until they finally moved out of our way. It was probably the highlight of my trip. That and getting to watch baby turtles hatch and crawl to the ocean. Both were pretty amazing.
I didn't end up losing any weight on the trip, despite walking 10+ miles a day. The food was great and plentiful, which I wasn't expecting. It was also almost all vegetarian which was another pleasant surprise. But it didn't help my waistline any.
We got back and were both pretty sick for a few days. We felt perfectly fine the whole trip, even the walking parts, but we get back to Switzerland and we were sick as dogs for 3 days. We kept joking that we got malaria. Who knows, maybe we did, and our Malarone killed it eventually. But we're fine now and I'm just trying to go through the 1000 pictures that we took so I can share them.
At some point in the near future I am going to have to make a decision to really do something about my size and get back to where I used to be.
Totally, my trip was just like this:
So, I have been here for about 6 weeks now. And things are getting easier...
My last blog post was written out of frustration when I hadn't been here very long. Jet lag was a bitch, and I got sick the day before getting on a plane, so it took even longer to adjust as I felt pretty miserable for days after getting here.
But on the plus side, a bunch of other spouses are also in the same boat & they've all been here longer. We go out once to twice a week so it's a good time to socialize and get tips.
The first four or five times at the grocery store made me want to cry, because my German is so limited, but now I'm getting by. And I'm less embarrassed about telling them I can't speak German, then asking if they speak English. Today, I had a super nice lady at the pharmacy switch to English after I clearly didn't understand anything she said. She even gave me a free cooling eye mask at the register.
DH and I went to Paris one weekend because it's an easy train ride away & even though people said that the French would be rude, they were not. We actually met nothing but friendly (and a little flirty) people. I think my time here in Switzerland helped, because I just jumped in with what little French I did have & still tried to order in French. I got a couple of "good French" comments from waiters, which might be why they were nicer to us. I had never been to Paris, so it was a blast doing all the typical things especially the Eiffel Tower, which may have been my favorite part.
In a few days we leave for our Honeymoon. We're going to Africa & I am finally going to see lions in the wild (and Elephants, and whole bunch of other stuff, but I'm psyched about the lions). One more thing I get to check off my bucket list.
My weight is remaining pretty steady, I think. I can only go by how my clothes fit because we don't have a scale here. But I'm hoping that I might lose a little weight on this trip, since we'll be doing a ton of walking.
I'm still feeling a little "purposeless" It's been nearly a year with out a job and especially here, I don't even have to clean our apartment we get that taken care of as part of the rent -- I don't even have a broom, if I wanted to do it myself. So it can be long aimless days, but my outlook is better than it was.
Want to say thanks to Kitty and Miranda for your comments on my last post. I appreciate the "tough love." I do indeed feel lucky for this opportunity, and it has give me great perspective for once I'm back in the states. I find just going to a restaurant or cafe hard because I can't say everything I want to. But, in the states I won't have that excuse, so I think I've diminished that fear of getting out and getting to know a new place.
My last blog post was written out of frustration when I hadn't been here very long. Jet lag was a bitch, and I got sick the day before getting on a plane, so it took even longer to adjust as I felt pretty miserable for days after getting here.
But on the plus side, a bunch of other spouses are also in the same boat & they've all been here longer. We go out once to twice a week so it's a good time to socialize and get tips.
The first four or five times at the grocery store made me want to cry, because my German is so limited, but now I'm getting by. And I'm less embarrassed about telling them I can't speak German, then asking if they speak English. Today, I had a super nice lady at the pharmacy switch to English after I clearly didn't understand anything she said. She even gave me a free cooling eye mask at the register.
DH and I went to Paris one weekend because it's an easy train ride away & even though people said that the French would be rude, they were not. We actually met nothing but friendly (and a little flirty) people. I think my time here in Switzerland helped, because I just jumped in with what little French I did have & still tried to order in French. I got a couple of "good French" comments from waiters, which might be why they were nicer to us. I had never been to Paris, so it was a blast doing all the typical things especially the Eiffel Tower, which may have been my favorite part.
 | |||
| Eiffel Tower at night. Lit up, plus the hourly "sparkle lights" |
In a few days we leave for our Honeymoon. We're going to Africa & I am finally going to see lions in the wild (and Elephants, and whole bunch of other stuff, but I'm psyched about the lions). One more thing I get to check off my bucket list.
My weight is remaining pretty steady, I think. I can only go by how my clothes fit because we don't have a scale here. But I'm hoping that I might lose a little weight on this trip, since we'll be doing a ton of walking.
I'm still feeling a little "purposeless" It's been nearly a year with out a job and especially here, I don't even have to clean our apartment we get that taken care of as part of the rent -- I don't even have a broom, if I wanted to do it myself. So it can be long aimless days, but my outlook is better than it was.
Want to say thanks to Kitty and Miranda for your comments on my last post. I appreciate the "tough love." I do indeed feel lucky for this opportunity, and it has give me great perspective for once I'm back in the states. I find just going to a restaurant or cafe hard because I can't say everything I want to. But, in the states I won't have that excuse, so I think I've diminished that fear of getting out and getting to know a new place.
So... just over a week ago I joined my husband in Switzerland.
I can't tell you how tough it has been. We are in the German speaking side of the country, which is great because DH speaks German, but I don't speak German. I learned Spanish in school, which does me fuck-all good here. I can say please, and thank you, and "I am a woman" which is completely useless.
I have not been out on my own at all. I sit on the computer or I read during the day. I need to get out and buy groceries or something. The nearest cafe is more than 2km away so I can't even walk somewhere to drink a coffee and read.
I am feeling pretty sad and useless about now.
I can't tell you how tough it has been. We are in the German speaking side of the country, which is great because DH speaks German, but I don't speak German. I learned Spanish in school, which does me fuck-all good here. I can say please, and thank you, and "I am a woman" which is completely useless.
I have not been out on my own at all. I sit on the computer or I read during the day. I need to get out and buy groceries or something. The nearest cafe is more than 2km away so I can't even walk somewhere to drink a coffee and read.
I am feeling pretty sad and useless about now.
Thank you Kitty and Burning Bridge Brigade for commenting on my last post.
I've been thinking alot lately about how living an either/or life is really difficult. At some point as I was losing my weight the first time, and hanging out with an ex-boyfriend, we were in a bookstore and we sat down to read this personality book. One section was for your zodiac sign and it basically laid out that Aries swing between all or nothing extremes and that balance is very hard for them. Now, I don't hold that it is just an Aries trait, but I am an Aries, and even then (since I was at the time restricting pretty heavily) it totally rang true to me. It still does. I have two modes -- restrict everything, have strict "bad" food lists, exercise a ton OR constantly eat junk, go out to eat all the time, drink alot, and sit around not exercising.
Even when I don't want to be that way I struggle with the mentality. This past week I have really tried to be good. I have gotten to the gym (except yesterday because I thought my travel vaccines might give me a problem) and I've been eating about 1600 calories. Back in the day that seemed like a lot. And I am having to fight the thoughts that say I can restrict further. But, I've been using my VivoFit to track my actual calories, and on an exercise day I burn 2100 to 2300 calories. So by keeping to 1600 I know I'm getting a deficit to lose a pound a week (I've lost more, but I'm sure it's water weight).
Yesterday I didn't work out. I got a Meningitis and a Yellow Fever vaccine for a trip I'm taking this summer, one in each arm & I had read about bad reactions so I decided to take it easy and not actually work out. I did go for a walk though. My total daily calorie burn was somewhere between 1700 and 1800 calories so I kept my intake to 1200. Damn! was it hard. One part of my brain really wanted to pile on the food & the other part of my brain said "you know it's okay if you stop at 1000."
Recognizing this tendency is the first step. Interrupting it has been harder. My first step was removing the junk food from my kitchen counter. I sealed it all up and put it in the pantry. I read an article (which of course I can't find now to link it to you) that showed that just making it harder to get at junk food will slow us down, make us eat less of it. And that is my goal -- moderation, coming to the middle of the spectrum where I can eat it, but not over do it.
The next step was when I did want something not great for me (I am really into baked beans and chips right now, don't ask me why, I can't tell you where it came from, but it is delicious) I allowed myself to have 1 serving. I measured my food, and the chips I counted out based on the nutrition information and then I put the bag away. I put the left over baked beans in a container in the fridge. And I logged the info into MFP.
It wasn't easy & I totally wanted to go back for more, but I didn't. I reminded myself I could have another serving tomorrow if I really wanted. (You know I did!)
Yesterday I was coming up on my 1200 calorie mark, and I had the option of eating some chocolate to finish it out, but I went for an apple, oddly enough because it was MORE calories. One 50 calorie chocolate or a 90 calorie apple. The Apple got me to my 1200. I also put all my healthy food front and center of the refrigerator. So that I see them first. I know that I'm always going to choose the apple, but every time I do that's a good thing.
So, it's been working for a week & I hope that I can keep it up. The one thing that IS a problem, is that this is how I do it when I am living alone. When my husband is around I cook for him, and I do not know how I'm going to manage when we are back together in two weeks.
There is also the fact that I am going to be visiting family soon which will probably translate to a lot of eating out.... I'm trying to make this next week, before I see them, as healthy as possible and hopefully make it through.
I've been thinking alot lately about how living an either/or life is really difficult. At some point as I was losing my weight the first time, and hanging out with an ex-boyfriend, we were in a bookstore and we sat down to read this personality book. One section was for your zodiac sign and it basically laid out that Aries swing between all or nothing extremes and that balance is very hard for them. Now, I don't hold that it is just an Aries trait, but I am an Aries, and even then (since I was at the time restricting pretty heavily) it totally rang true to me. It still does. I have two modes -- restrict everything, have strict "bad" food lists, exercise a ton OR constantly eat junk, go out to eat all the time, drink alot, and sit around not exercising.
Even when I don't want to be that way I struggle with the mentality. This past week I have really tried to be good. I have gotten to the gym (except yesterday because I thought my travel vaccines might give me a problem) and I've been eating about 1600 calories. Back in the day that seemed like a lot. And I am having to fight the thoughts that say I can restrict further. But, I've been using my VivoFit to track my actual calories, and on an exercise day I burn 2100 to 2300 calories. So by keeping to 1600 I know I'm getting a deficit to lose a pound a week (I've lost more, but I'm sure it's water weight).
Yesterday I didn't work out. I got a Meningitis and a Yellow Fever vaccine for a trip I'm taking this summer, one in each arm & I had read about bad reactions so I decided to take it easy and not actually work out. I did go for a walk though. My total daily calorie burn was somewhere between 1700 and 1800 calories so I kept my intake to 1200. Damn! was it hard. One part of my brain really wanted to pile on the food & the other part of my brain said "you know it's okay if you stop at 1000."
Recognizing this tendency is the first step. Interrupting it has been harder. My first step was removing the junk food from my kitchen counter. I sealed it all up and put it in the pantry. I read an article (which of course I can't find now to link it to you) that showed that just making it harder to get at junk food will slow us down, make us eat less of it. And that is my goal -- moderation, coming to the middle of the spectrum where I can eat it, but not over do it.
The next step was when I did want something not great for me (I am really into baked beans and chips right now, don't ask me why, I can't tell you where it came from, but it is delicious) I allowed myself to have 1 serving. I measured my food, and the chips I counted out based on the nutrition information and then I put the bag away. I put the left over baked beans in a container in the fridge. And I logged the info into MFP.
It wasn't easy & I totally wanted to go back for more, but I didn't. I reminded myself I could have another serving tomorrow if I really wanted. (You know I did!)
Yesterday I was coming up on my 1200 calorie mark, and I had the option of eating some chocolate to finish it out, but I went for an apple, oddly enough because it was MORE calories. One 50 calorie chocolate or a 90 calorie apple. The Apple got me to my 1200. I also put all my healthy food front and center of the refrigerator. So that I see them first. I know that I'm always going to choose the apple, but every time I do that's a good thing.
So, it's been working for a week & I hope that I can keep it up. The one thing that IS a problem, is that this is how I do it when I am living alone. When my husband is around I cook for him, and I do not know how I'm going to manage when we are back together in two weeks.
There is also the fact that I am going to be visiting family soon which will probably translate to a lot of eating out.... I'm trying to make this next week, before I see them, as healthy as possible and hopefully make it through.
One of the dumb things I do when trying to lose weight is self-sabotage. It's not like I consiously think, "hey, I'm going to fuck myself over right now so it's even harder to reach my goals."
It's more like I do well for a day or a few days and drop a few pounds. And it's like a premature "success" light goes off in my head as if I've reached a goal when I haven't really. But my brain still starts giving me mental high fives and saying things like "see, you got this" "no problem, this is easy" which somehow along during the course of the day translates to "you totally deserve candy" or "some chips are totally fine, cuz you got this" the absolutely terrible "you'll work it off later" starts going through my head.
The next thing I know I'm on the couch watching tv with soda, chips, and candy. And I regain whatever I lost that put me in such a good mood.
So, Friday I was really good. After blogging, it was really on my mind, that I'm trying to improve my diet and so I actually made my own dinner instead of eating junk, and I stopped after that, and I even logged my calories into MFP.
The great part was I was just a little bit hungry when I went to bed, very hungry when I woke up, and down 3 pounds!
I did really great with breakfast and even lunch to some extent and then I was thinking how good a diet coke would be with dinner. I had stopped myself from buying one during the day by reminding myself I had said "no more bringing junk into the house." I needed a few things from the store, like garbage bags, so I headed out & figured a diet soda would'nt hurt, and some twizzlers wouldn't be that bad.
So as I'm winding my way through the store I'm thinking, I knew this would happen. This is what I always do. I also kept thinking, you said no junk & that I did a great job earlier. And then I thought, what would kill this craving? I really just wanted snacks and a soda. So I ended up buying my garbage bags and some soda water. LaCroix has started making some crazy flavors, but I got a lime, and a cherry tropical from an off brand. They're just carbonated water and fruit flavor. Then I came home and had snacks for dinner. Pretzels and hummus, popcorn and dried cranberries.
So, yeah, I ended up on the couch with something that wasn't a great choice. I probably should have had vegetables or something, but it was not nearly as bad as it could have been and that's a big step in the right direction.
P.S. Thanks to Miranda and Kitty for the comments & to anybody else who still comes by this blog after such a long hiatus. I'm going to try to be better. Already it's kept me a little more accountable these past few days.
It's more like I do well for a day or a few days and drop a few pounds. And it's like a premature "success" light goes off in my head as if I've reached a goal when I haven't really. But my brain still starts giving me mental high fives and saying things like "see, you got this" "no problem, this is easy" which somehow along during the course of the day translates to "you totally deserve candy" or "some chips are totally fine, cuz you got this" the absolutely terrible "you'll work it off later" starts going through my head.
The next thing I know I'm on the couch watching tv with soda, chips, and candy. And I regain whatever I lost that put me in such a good mood.
So, Friday I was really good. After blogging, it was really on my mind, that I'm trying to improve my diet and so I actually made my own dinner instead of eating junk, and I stopped after that, and I even logged my calories into MFP.
The great part was I was just a little bit hungry when I went to bed, very hungry when I woke up, and down 3 pounds!
I did really great with breakfast and even lunch to some extent and then I was thinking how good a diet coke would be with dinner. I had stopped myself from buying one during the day by reminding myself I had said "no more bringing junk into the house." I needed a few things from the store, like garbage bags, so I headed out & figured a diet soda would'nt hurt, and some twizzlers wouldn't be that bad.
So as I'm winding my way through the store I'm thinking, I knew this would happen. This is what I always do. I also kept thinking, you said no junk & that I did a great job earlier. And then I thought, what would kill this craving? I really just wanted snacks and a soda. So I ended up buying my garbage bags and some soda water. LaCroix has started making some crazy flavors, but I got a lime, and a cherry tropical from an off brand. They're just carbonated water and fruit flavor. Then I came home and had snacks for dinner. Pretzels and hummus, popcorn and dried cranberries.
So, yeah, I ended up on the couch with something that wasn't a great choice. I probably should have had vegetables or something, but it was not nearly as bad as it could have been and that's a big step in the right direction.
P.S. Thanks to Miranda and Kitty for the comments & to anybody else who still comes by this blog after such a long hiatus. I'm going to try to be better. Already it's kept me a little more accountable these past few days.
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