It's funny, because I keep getting hung up on this complete versus complement idea about love. I do feel like my boyfriend and I bring out the best in one another and fill in our respective gaps - like he's way more social than I am especially in unknown settings. And I can generally get him focused, on track, and following through with things. I'm hugely liberal and he calls me a dirty hippy - in a funny loving way 'cuz he likes that about me. He's infuriatingly republican and we debate finance, taxes, war, health care and neither of us ever wins. Maybe I'm just to much a feminist, or it's my English major coming through, but I generally look at us complementing (meaning balancing) one another, rather than completing (meaning finishing or making whole) one another. If you took him out of my life, I'd still be a whole person, there would be nothing wrong or missing from me. He's not my soul mate or my one true love because I don't believe those things exist (like vampires - nice stories, but not real). I do love him with my heart, brain and body. He's my best friend and the first person I want to see or talk to when anything happens to me, my favorite person and the one I'd choose to be stuck on a desert island with, and I hope we are together for as long as possible for however long that ends up being. If it's forever, I'll be happy. If it's not, then I deal with the heartbreak, learn from the experience, and move on. Is there such a thing as realist romantic?
And, on to my weekend....
My BF finally called me on Sunday. He said he was going to call me over the weekend, but I was suspecting that he'd end up being "too busy." I guess I should have a little more faith in him. All weekend I was worried that I was heading to Europe to have a 2 week trip with an Ex-boyfriend. I worked myself up over nothing. With in 5 minutes of him calling he was telling me how beautiful it is where he's staying and that "we have to come back here." He does this alot. He'll talk about places he's been that he wants to show me. And yet, still I have a hard time getting it through my head that he loves me, misses me, and wants to be with me. I know in a lot of ways that's my own dysfunction being misplaced. We had a great conversation. I have a very hard time talking about my feelings with people. I have a "put on a happy face" syndrome. Even when things aren't good I try to pretend they are. And if I can't pretend I shut down. So instead of sharing my frustrations about my life and my depression with my boyfriend, I slowly withdrew. But he noticed. He's said he's finally seeing the behavior I'm talking about that makes me feel not as important and he wants to work on it. The funniest thing about the conversation we had is that he told me has issues with me not calling him! Talk about ironic. And, I am actually glad. I'm glad that he sees that our relationship needs work. Is that weird? I'm just happy that he's not thinking everything is fine and wants everything to remain the same. I don't mind that he's saying I need to improve the relationship too. I'm glad he said it. I want this to be a two way street. He said that we would have a proper talk, when I meet up with him.
And now I feel like I can properly be excited for my trip. I am back to being excited to see the BF. Avoiding my feelings and being afraid to talk about them with him was making me miserable, but knowing that he wants to talk about them with me makes me happy. I am a little nervous because I think that part of our relationship talk will have to include telling him that I'm depressed. Not just post-travel depression either. Real honest to goodness feeling worthless, hating my life, feeling lost and stuck and like I don't know who I am anymore, isolated, sleep til noon with the shades drawn depression. I am contemplating coming out about my binge eating problem too. It's scary because the sick part of my brain is telling me that if he knows the truth he won't want me anymore. But that isn't the truth. I don't want him becoming the food police for me either. Anyway... we'll see what I decide to share - . That's a few days away.
So, my weekend was pretty dark and alone. I spent most of it on the couch watching season 1 of the Vampire Diaries. I read all the original books (I think there were only 4 at the time) when I was in middle school and loved them. This was way before vampires were cool when liking them made me weird and a dork. I was supposed to be into boy bands and slap bracelets. (yeah, that's how old I am). I really didn't expect to like the show. I mean it's really different from the books and I figured if True Blood is so terrible (I'm sorry if you like it, but I think it's horrendous, bad stories & worse acting) and that's on HBO, so how good can a CW teen-vamp story be. But I am loving it. The boys are hot! and the acting isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I mean, they aren't going to win Oscar's anytime soon, but it's decent - I mean the acting on Buffy in it's first season was pretty terrible if I'm being totally honest.
By Sunday though, I knew I had to get out of my funk. At the very least I had a shit ton to get done around the house before I can leave. So... I dipped into my BF's Adderall. I know that's bad. It's basically speed. But, I've been wanting to try it and seeing as I was already miserable, and at my highest weight since 2006, I needed something to remove the disconnect from life I was feeling. Can I just say.... I want a script for this stuff. I mean really. I didn't feel high - a little energetic, but otherwise I just felt super motivated. I got a ton of laundry done, organizing, finished my last travel journal/scrapbook so it's ready to take with me, and started packing. There's still more to do, but I think the adderall really gave me the kick in the pants I needed. So I am thinking I take it again today - it's a really small dose, maybe 4 hours - when I get home from work, just to make sure I don't hit the couch with a plate of food.
Sorry... that was ridiculously long. I didn't realize I had so much to say... in return for you patience some vampire inspired thinspo:
4 comments:
I don't really think that this post was that long hehe, but then again I write the longest wall of texts my self ^^
I still wish you loads of fun on that trip of yours. And I hope that things work out and tbh I think you will feel better after you have the chat with him :) If you decide to do it that is.. And sometimes things get easier when you have someone close to talk to. I still haven't really gone into details about it with my hubby but he knows I have a whole bunch of issues. And he really tries his best to make things easier, which is good.. Most of the times atleast heh, :)
Oh and I ttly agree.. The guys on the Vamp diaries are hot ^^ I prefer Damon if I was to choose one of the brothers, but then again I have always been a sucker for cute dark haired boys hehe
Have a fun day/night *hugs*
It just goes to show you how important communication is. Glad you talked. I think you are actually in a better position then me in regards to your relationship because I actually do think my life would fall apart without my hubby and I don't know how healthy that is. He completes me but I think that I complement him-which is fine. He's not nearly as emotionally needy as I am. I think that's why I believe he's my soul mate. He's the only thing on this earth that has ever gotten me to just be a mostly normal happy person.
I'm happy that you're feeling about about your relationship and that you and your bf are going to talk about it all. That is ironic that he felt that was about you not calling him too!
Also, I started watching VD when it first came out but I'm way behind now. I really liked it when I was watching it :)
i'm so glad you finally connected. now you can feel way more comfortable about your vacation with him instead of having to wait it out until you got there.
i luv how you describe your relationship and guess what, it pretty much sounds like my husband and i. he is always teasing me about my years living in cambridge. i view things much differently then he does on so many different subjects but it keeps it interesting. i totally believe that there is such a thing as realist romantic and i definitely fall into that category. i'm so unsentimental it only makes sense. i know he adores me just as much as i adore him and that's all that counts.
depression is rough, i went through it last year. after trying some meds cuz i though that was the thing to do, i subsequently went off them cuz i hated them. the only thing that got me through was my husband and my therapist. they allowed me to open up talk about what worries. i selectively shared. to just talk them out helped me make logical sense of the way my life was going, why and what control i could take to change it. i chose to be picky about what i talked about. trust me there are a lot more worries i keep in side. i can only share limited amounts of myself with anyone and yes even my husband. i feel like my thoughts can be very private. i scare myself why scare others with my thoughts...that's what blogging is for....haha. so share what you're comfortable sharing with him now and work on the rest as time goes on. it's just nice that you can have him to lean on with confidence now :)
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