Resume

So, I finally sat down and worked on my resume. Not because I wanted to, but because my BF kept getting on my case. I try to see it from his perspective. Me not applying for jobs so that I can move with him has got to be frustrating.  It is just such an overwhelming task. It brings up all kinds of fears and worries about not being good enough for what I really want to be doing.

I haven't worked out in days and ate like shit over the weekend. But on top of the BF leaving tomorrow, my boss's mother died over the weekend, and I had to take my other cat - Black Kitty - to an emergency vet appointment yesterday because there was blood in her urine multiple times this weekend. So my schedule this week is even more messed up than it has been.  I took off part of yesterday, I am here later today, and the evening shift two days, then Friday morning.

I gave up on Insanity. I feel bad for giving up. But it's not getting me the results I want. And oddly enough I was finding it really boring. I know it's strange coming from someone who loves 30 Day Shred which is a week of the same thing every day. But, Insanity has the same moves in different workouts. A few times I had to double check that I was doing the right one because I thought, wait, I just did this yesterday. It did a lot for me I know, as far as my fitness level and my flexibility, but I was dreading doing it every afternoon. I couldn't keep up with the video and keep good form and even though I want to be strong, I just couldn't get to a place where I wanted to be good at the exercises he was doing. There is no way for me to keep motivated with that. And, the workouts get longer in month 2. They are at least 60 minutes and if I'm going to spend that kind of time I'd rather be running or dancing.  And despite being cardio based, I could tell it's really just working my muscles and not slimming me down at all.

So, I am going back to what I was doing over the summer. Which is 30 Day Shred (or Ripped in 30) in the morning and running in the evening. I may also throw in some Zumba classes if they are free at the gym I want to sign up for.  I'll take Wednesday mornings off of 30DS and Sat or Sunday off completely which should give me a good amount of rest.

I'm also thinking of doing the Fat Smash diet again.  It's pretty close to what I'd like my diet to be anyway with just a couple of restrictions in the first "detox" phase.  I am struggling with my diary consumption lately. I know that my skin will pay for it later, but I've been ordering lattes the past couple of days, and we had pizza (light on the cheese for me) over the weekend. And that is out in the detox phase so that'll be good to get me back to no dairy at all. Nuts are also out on the detox phase which is a huge part of my diet - peanut butter in my oatmeal, and nuts for a snack.  Avocados are also out in the detox which I love, but they are an occasional food for me since I suck at picking ripe ones.  The egg whites will be a struggle too - I recently saw a video (watch with caution!) about egg laying chickens. And even though I make sure I buy certified humane eggs I have been kind of squeamish about them. I will probably try to seek out some eggs that are from chickens raised in someone's backyard or something. I'm also considering trying to go vegan and supplementing with hemp protein powder. But we shall see.

What I like about the fat smash diet is that you can eat as many fruits and vegetables as you want and you don't count calories. You're only expected to do 45 minutes of cardio also.  The first time I did it I didn't manage all 9 days, but I still dropped from 127 to 122.  From there I know I can exercise my way down by keeping control of my food/calories.

So the BF leaves tomorrow. I am really trying to keep my jealousy in check. I've helped him pick out a bunch of stuff for the trip. I got him a new camera bag for it as his christmas gift. I've been asking questions. I know he's going on a safari and I want to cry my eyes out whenever he mentions it.  It is really hard to know he's going off to see and do the things that I want to see and do with out me.  I keep telling myself that by him doing it first it will be easier when we go together. But I know his reaction to Asia when we went in 2010 was not favorable (he's glad we went but he doesn't want to go back there) and if he has that reaction to Africa I will want to scream. Because that just screws me over. I am not the type of person who is just going to go off and do that type of trip by myself.  I am also struggling with the fact that he will be gone for 6 weeks. SIX! Not only have we never been apart that long, but he's said to me when we've been on vacation that after a few weeks he's ready to be done. But with a guy's trip he's doing more than a month. Sure, he rationalizes it. He'll never have this kind of time after he starts his new job. He's not sure if he'll get along with his friend for that long. It could be disasterous etc. etc. etc. But none of it makes me feel better. And I know that come tomorrow I will be sobbing my eyes out - hell I'm tearing just typing it.

I also keep telling myself that I am going to save alot of money by not having him around for so long - no paying for breakfast or drinks (because I feel the need to split things a little). I will  have more time for myself, for exercising, organizing, looking for a new job.  But the reality is thinking about him being gone just depresses me. Because he'll be doing amazing things and I'll be at home doing everything ordinary.

{{sigh}} I gotta end there, before I really do start to cry which would be bad at work.

Thanks for the comments on my last post.  I know that restricting really low is a bad idea, and I appreciate the reminder from all of you. I don't need to super restrict. I just have to eat healthy.