Weak

Level 1 Day 2

I didn't get to run yesterday like planned. It was raining really hard when I got home and I really wanted to exercise then, so I could eat after, and get some work done before bed.  So I got on the exercise bike and watched the first couple of episodes of Vampire Diaries season 2, which a friend loaned to me from the library her husband works at. Big mistake. It just set me up for an evening of TV watching. I managed to kill 600 calories in an hour on the bike which was good. But I got zero work done. And now I'm really in crunch time and feeling pretty stupid. I mean, I wanted to have the first part of project 1 done last night. But did I? no. And here I am at work, the boss is out and I could be working on it. But am I? No.

Why am I so afraid to do this? I know that's what it is. I wish it were fear of failure, but I'm almost certain it is fear of success. Success means, more business, it means I should put together a website, charge more, take on more responsibility, do something with my fucking life, instead of commute to a job I hate and sit at a desk killing time all day.

So, I am pretty out of shape since not working out much in July and August. Ripped in 30 is definitely hard. I burned 389 calories in 35 minutes (that includes the warm up and cool down stretch).  Part of that is also because I am fatter and therefore do burn more calories than when I was 118-120.  *Sigh* I was counting on a low calorie day today, but my stomach is growling and we are getting free dinner at work for some training thing we are required to be at. It's so stupid. I hate that they require me to do this stuff. I work part time, I shouldn't have to participate if I don't want to. It's not like they are actually investing in me. They are never going to let me do more at this job than I already do, there is no advancement in this position - so why do I have to go to this shit? To pretend? to put on happy face and tow the company line? What a crock.

So, I am back to using 3lb weights, and doing the modified version of alot of moves. Though I am concentrating on getting the form just right and I have to say, when you do that, even the "easy" moves are alot of work. 

I have made a pact that I won't be watching tv anymore (unless I am on the bike because I can't run) and I have put Vampire Diaries away! I can't help it. I think the show is pretty good, and I am now kind of obsessed with Nina Dobrev.  She looked amazing at the Emmy's on Sunday. And on the show she's always wearing skinny jeans. I'm more than a little envious. I think that she's about 5'6" at least that's what the internet says, which means in reality she's probably 5'4" or 5'5". I'm 5'3" and I think that at my thinnest I wasn't far off from her look - but with more muscle tone. So yeah, I am not trying to say that I look as good as she does, or that I can get there. But I sure as hell am going to try. So, even though my stomach is growling right now... I am turning to water and then fruit in a little while. I'm going to stick to my planned meals, which gives me 200 calories if there is salad at this training dinner thing, then that is what I will have.