So, I got terribly sick last night. Around 10:30 I got these horrid stomach cramps that had me doubled over in pain, then again around midnight, and a third time at some point in the night (didn't look at the time). By the third go of emptying myself out (not that there was anything left) I was seriously thinking I'd have to call in sick to work. Anyway... probably because of that I managed to not gain anything after my binge yesterday. I know it's basically the same as taking a laxitive, and I shouldn't feel glad to have been so sick. But I am. I am glad that I ate something bad and it cleared me out and possibly saved me from adding any more fat to my fat butt. I am sure that it helped that I finished the binge (stopped it really) by 6pm and I only had a diet ginger ale all night after that. But, that is 3 days at the same weight despite the dinner at work and yesterday's binge. If I can be very good today, maybe it won't catch up with me.
There's more free food at work today. I ate a little bit of the "oriental coleslaw" during a meeting and took two veggie sandwiches. One of which I'll eat later today for dinner and the other I'll eat for lunch tomorrow. I took two cookies that I wrapped in foil and will go in the freezer when I get home for some other time when I need them. Part of me hates the free food, because it's hard to not eat a lot of it and succumb to the desserts, but the other part of me - the broke part - is thankful because it means I don't have to buy groceries for awhile. I've been managing to just buy little bits here and there (even my binge yesterday was only about $6). I had some food left over in my freezer and that is really helping me spend less money.
I bought a book online yesterday - it isn't helping me get my heaping amounts of work done, but I think it's a must read to help me with my binges. I found it online a few months ago, when I was looking for an alternative to EDA. I can't get behind a program that tells me first and foremost that I am not in control of my own behavior and to give it up to a "higher power" to sort out. That's like saying you're addicted because god wants you to be. I'm sorry, but I don't think god, if he even exists works like that. Maybe in the olden days of the Job but I think it's been a couple thousand years since god decided to torture individuals for kicks, or a life lesson or whatever. So, yeah, I'm agnostic. I was raised christian, so I can't go all the way atheist, but it's definitely my leaning. Anyway... in searching for some kind of free recovery that didn't invlove a higher power I found this book:
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| Brain over binge by Kathryn Hansen |
I haven't gotten past Hansen's recounting of her eating disorder, going from anorexia, to anorexia binge/purge subtype, to exercise bulima, but the gist is that she decided to kick the binge eating habit and did, like quitting smoking, with out the "this eating disorder is a symptom of deeper psychological problems" approach. I'm really interested to see the method, how she actually did it. She says she's been binge free and eating like a normal person for several years. In a way it reminded me of "End of Overeating" but even he puts out that you have to work on new behaviors and have an eating plan at all times to not fall back into temptation. Hansen says she doesn't do that. So, I'm intrigued. I bought the kindle version from Amazon for $10. If it even helps me some, then I will say it's totally worth it. I am so over being controlled by cravings.
*Edited to add: I originally heard about the book through this book review at psych central. Which specifically mentions Rational Recovery as an alternative to 12 step programs.
7 comments:
I just looked at that book on Amazon and then requested it through my library. It seems to be based around the fact that binging is totally based around brain chemistry, which I feel is true at least for me. I feel like a drug addict with food (particularly carbs)
I know how you feel.I would like to get sick and throw up/get diarrhea. xD I know,it sounds stupid,but hey,I'm disordered,sue me.
Meow - I thought of doing that, but I didn't want to wait for it to arrive. I'm still not very far into it, but I am relating to her descriptions of what binging feels like before and after. I hope it works for you too.
Goxxy - I know, i feel like I was lucky to get sick. Otherwise I probably would have resorted to laxies.
The book sounds interesting and it makes sense that binge eating relates to brain chemistry. After all, it does take food to keep our brain functioning. Thus, it doesn't seem like too far of a stretch to believe the two are linked.
I was raised Catholic, but am not a practicing one. So I struggled with EDA too. In fact, it didn't work at all for me. The one book that seemed to help steer me away from binging/purging is "Life Without Ed". For me it was not the kind of book I read from cover to cover. I thumbed through the Table of Contents and read the sections that jumped out at me. Eventually I read the whole thing. I don't recall if the author goes into a bunch of "higher power" mumbo-jumbo... I don't think so? Basically I really liked the idea of treating the cravings/Ed voice, whatever you want to call it, as another identity. Believe it or not, "arguing" with the "purge" voice helped taper off my purging behavior. Maybe this book will be helpful to you too?...
Hope the current read helps you out!
Em - I'll have to check that out. I'm on chapter 10 of Brain over and Binge and she's talking about something similar - the Addictive Voice which one needs to separate from the true self.
Let me know when you are done - and think it is worth the read..
I sure would need some help..
You'll have to let us know how that book works out for you. If it's worth anything, I'll consider buying it.
Stay strong girl!
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