Love hate

I am ridiculously ashamed of the number on the scale this morning. I am so far away from where I was less than a month ago at my dance competition it isn't even funny.

My birthday weekend was fun and low key with my boyfriend (thanks for your happy birthday comments). Normally I plan big blowouts. I spent a couple hundred on a big party for a milestone b-day right after the BF and I met. It was so much fun, and two years before that my birthday fell on a dancing night and so everyone I hung out with was already out, but they bought me balloons and a cake and got me really drunk. Last year was a concert and some friends coming and going from a bar drinking. This year was sushi and a movie (my surprise was the movie of my pick out of 3 my BF had no interest in seeing), the next day fancy dinner and drinks at a local mansion turned restaurant followed by live funk at a jazz club. Followed by the best sex ever. Happy birthday to me :D

Of course on Monday the scale yelled at me, telling me what a fat ass I am for not controlling my eating and not working out as much as I should. At some point I need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to get back to where I was. My coworker brought in cupcakes for my birthday yesterday. Thank goodness she only brought in 6 - exactly the number of employees in my "team". I ate it with a fork, from the bottom and left the frosting. Thankfully this coworker doesn't like frosting either (except buttercream or cream cheese - who doesn't tho?) so it was not weird for me to do that and I saved a few calories.

After finishing End of Overeating (book review in Media tab coming soon) I have some tools to help me with my binging. The book has a whole section on "Food Rehab." The author totally admits that going from one extreme to healthy eating is difficult. Some of the tools are defining rules for yourself and your eating habits. Creating an eating plan that you do not deviate from, if it's not in the plan you don't eat it. Creating if/then scenarios to deal with urges, cravings, and cues to eat so you know in advanced how you will behave around food. Creating negative associations with the food you know you shouldn't eat.

So I have come up with these questions to ask myself when making my food choices:

• Will this food get you closer to your goal?
• Will this food make you feel powerful and confident?
• Will this food make you feel strong?
• How will this food affect your self-esteem?
• Will you feel better about yourself or your body?
• Will you feel in control if you eat this?

I also need to come up with some "rules" or mantras for myself to keep in mind. I'm going the route of: "I am an athlete" "I care about the food I eat" "Every bite I take matters" stuff like that. I may even try rubber band aversion therapy. I was doing it for awhile a long time ago when the vending machine at work tempted me. But now I just don't keep cash on me at work and it's impossible to buy from them. That's not the case with fast food or convenience stores tho, they take cards and therefore junk is easier to get. Which is why I am not allowed to go in them anymore : )  I've typed out my questions and I'm putting them with my cash and credit cards (like I did with the thinspo) so I am forced to think about that when I buy food.

Currently I am looking through old pics of skinny me from 2007 and 2008. I looked good. It's obvious by my clothes and my smile that I felt good too. I am going to take some pictures of me in the same clothes (yeah, I'm cheap I keep my clothes forever) to see just how much I've lost sight of my goals. I'm also going to keep a picture of thin me in my wallet - again to really make me think about my goals and if what I'm eating is getting me closer or farther away. I think the problem with thinspo and fitspo I get online is that it almost seems unattainable, especially if I know the model was airbrushed. If I am feeling like the public humiliation will help I may post them. We'll see. At least in posting them, I'll have to look at them which could be another good reminder.

Other than that - I am back to my regularly scheduled calorie consumption and workout schedule.

The Numbers for Monday 4/11/2011 Current weight = too much to admit  Calorie Goal = 1400

3/4 C Oatmeal 100
1/2 serving Raisins 65
2 Tbsp Walnuts 100
1 C Yogurt 110
1/4 C Frozen fruit 15
1 Apple 80
1 Banana 120
1/2 C Pinto beans 120
1/4 C brown rice 100
2 Tbsp Salsa 30
1 corn tortilla 55
1 bakery cupcake no frosting 250
2 Newman's Ohs cookies 130
2 slices spelt bread 160
1 Tbsp Peanut Butter 90
1 Tbsp Fruit Spread 30
Total = 1555 ( over 155)
Exercise = 30 DS + BL Jump Start (whole disc, plus 1 cardio segment) -900
Net Calories = 655
Day's Calorie deficit = 645