Another weekend another binge and more purging. I am pretty sure that once weird eating habits start interfering with your life (like when you leave a party early in order to sit in your car and eat taco bell, pretzel m&ms, twix, donuts, and ginger ale, then go home and puke it all up) that you have a problem. And in case anyone missed it, that is what I did this weekend. I worked all day on saturday, went out to eat with my bf and some of his friends, then to a party which I left early so I could binge and purge. I was in a crappy mood from work. I need a new job ASAP. I am really considering quitting and registering with a temp agency. A bunch of temp jobs that change all the time for the next year sounds way preferable to what I am doing right now. The crappy mood was just made worse because I had no down time between getting home from work and going out. I just felt rushed all day. I couldn't even relax at this party. It was all of the BFs friends and he's such a social butterfly that he's always off talking to somebody and I'm left feeling awkward and alone. I'm actually a pretty shy person. I don't know why, when I am as self-aware as I am, that I still choose to treat myself like crap. I know that I will feel shitty after eating all that food. And I feel shitty after purging. And yet I do it anyway.
Part of the problem is that I WANTED to feel crappy. I was surrounded by all of these self-motivated people that have so much going for them and who are such "go getters." I was talking to this girl who is only a year older than me. Who owns her own home and has been slowly fixing it up (it's like 100 years old or some such thing). I talked to another guy who's starting two businesses. Another who's going to New York for the summer to intern in financing with some bank big name bank. It's freaking ridiculous because I feel the need to put on this happy face about how much I love what I'm doing even though I make shit money and hate 85% of what I do.
The ONLY positive side to any of this is that I have been killing it in my workouts burning at least 900 calories in 60-90 minute workouts. Even with the binge and going out to eat on Sunday with family I maintained my weight from Friday. Can't say if that will be true after today.
I really want to be back at 120 for Easter. It'll be a whole month wasted because 120 is where I was at a month ago before my dance competition. And it still doesn't address my overall problem which seems to be compulsive overeating, binge eating and/or bulimia.
God, that seems weird to say. I've never really considered myself as having an eating disorder before. I may have drawn inspiration for restricting from them, but I always thought I was still on this side of fine, but not ED.
I was so upset on Sunday that I actually considered telling my BF that I have a problem just to have someone to be accountable to. I obviously can't be accountable to myself. That hasn't worked at all. I am not going to tell him tho. I don't want to risk losing him because I have told him that my restricting and purging is in the past and that I don't do that anymore. I also don't want to have him worry about me constantly. He's going away for an internship soon and I don't want him to be concerned about what I'm doing while he's gone. I think that when he's gone I'll be able to relax a little bit. I'll have more time for working out when I'm not concerned with spending time with him and wondering if I'm going to be spending the night there or here and where/when I'm going to work out, what I'll eat if we go out, when I might be able to binge.
I already know that I have an all or nothing personality. I want to eat whatever I want and tons of it, or I barely eat anything. I don't know why I can't eat "normal" amounts for any length of time. I guess if I knew I'd have fixed it already.
3 comments:
I know just how you feel about not feeling as accomplished as so many others. Like everyone else is out there doing something and making money except me. Oh boy do I know it. I espcially felt that way around my hubby's friends. I hope you find a new job soon because even if you aren't doing things as BIG as other people at least you are content in your own job and that makes it easier to deal with. At least you maintained BUT I hope the purging doesn't start to get too out of control...is it already? It's just a very slippery slope although I don't know that first hand.
And I can relate to the compulsive overeating, binge eating and/or bulimia. It's not where you see your self end up.. And it's really hard to talk about it.
I know I can not tell any of my "irl" friends. They wouldn't understand. I think my fiance is starting to notice it more and more.. And it's really bad cause I know he is worried.. And I really do want to tell him everything.. About how I feel and so on, but I dont think he can understand.
He is one of those freakishly skinny people who can eat enough for 4 ppl and still not gain weight.. How can he relate??
For me the last couple of weeks have been hell.. And I am really trying to figure out how to get back in controll, restrict to a "normal" level and get healthy.. but ya.. As you say.. If I knew I'd have fixed it already..
"I already know that I have an all or nothing personality. I want to eat whatever I want and tons of it, or I barely eat anything. I don't know why I can't eat "normal" amounts for any length of time. I guess if I knew I'd have fixed it already."
That's me in a nutshell.
I'm so feeling your pain and I'm here for you!
~MLM
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