Time to Focus

The only thing that seems to be going marginally right lately is restricting. I realized that I am almost 10lbs heavier than I was this time last summer. Granted I was getting bikini ready for Jamaica and being that low barely even lasted through the vacation. By the time summer was over I had actually gained 15lbs! (Have I admitted that here before? probably not).

So with this move I haven't been eating great, but I have been holding a pretty steady 124-126. Still about 10lbs over where I want to be (15 really, even though I know I probably wouldn't look good 110 I kind of want to get there, just to do it, then stay about about 115-117).  I realized last weekend as I spent my entire Sunday running errands on only iced coffee (still a decent amount of calories w/ all the sugar and dairy in it - I am cheap and buy it at Speedway! it's still super tasty though). I realized 2 things - A) that I had bought a cute dress from H&M when I was a little lower in weight (when I was dancing in the dressing room) with every intention of wearing it at my BF's family's summer bbq and it was probably not going to look as nice (I was right, when I tried it on the buttons pulled and gaped a little) and that B) living on only iced coffee when you're busy enough was pretty easy and reminded me of old times when I restricted pretty heavily.

Sad to say, I liked it. I liked feeling like I used to. Strong, and in control. But knowing it isn't healthy, I figured I'll just do it short term and then go on something more reasonable later. The plan was to start on Monday, with around 800-900 calories and some zero cal monster drinks. But my mom loaded my car with a bunch of coke zero before I left for my BF's house, so I'm using that with sudafed instead. The BF was in town unexpectedly to work at the office on Monday and we ended up getting dinner where I gobbled some fries (and less than half of my veggie wrap) before he caught a flight out to his project site that night. Since I had restricted so much earlier in the day I wasn't too worried and figured I could do better the rest of the week. And I have.Tuesday had one blip where I was down for some reason and bought a kit-kat and twix, but then came home watched a rerun of Breaking Point and realized I did not want the candy. So I stashed it, uneaten, in the freezer, and went for a 20 minute run - it's the only exercise I have fit in this week, but it's better than nothing.

Yesterday was my highest day at 1022 calories. Today I'm around 800 give or take 20. I don't plan on staying here long term. I know that I won't do it at Saturday's bbq. But, I have regained some focus. I have a ton of clothes in my closet and I haven't been able to wear them. When the BF was in Africa I spent about $150 on lingerie for my itty bitty chest (with every intent on getting it smaller) from lulalu.com and evesapples.com. I've gotten to wear ONE of them for him - which he loved because it's essentially transparent lace pretending to be a bra.

My boobs do not look like this in this bra.
There is NO support to get that lift in the real thing.

And I still have 3 other bra/panties combos that he has not seen that are just as hot (or hotter depending on taste), But my boobs got just big enough, and added just a little extra around the rib cage (not to mention all the fat on my saddle bags)  and now I feel confident in them.

 It sucks. Especially since, because we barely see each other right now, our sex life could use some spicing up.

But, I am on the right track. Or I will be when I come back from the bbq and start restricting right. That is a little healthier and with exercise.

A friend of mine is getting married in September. My goal is to be able get back into one of the Jamaica dresses or thinner. 115-110 is the goal. And I think I can definitely do it especially if I take it of slowly instead of in just a couple of weeks like last year.  It will also put me in a good position to wear my Captain Booty pirate costume that I bought last year and couldn't wear and the size 2 Banana Republic trousers I bought (non returnable). Plus all the other cute things in my closet.

Arg