I was looking at some of my old calendars where I record my weight and I discovered that I am back to where I was when I first made a change back in 2006. Maybe a couple of pounds lower because I didn't totally over do it over the holidays.
But there you have it years of hard work down the drain.... And as much as I tell myself that I can get back to that place. I really don't think I can.
In January of 2006, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, I was in my last semester of grad school, looking to spend less time at my house with my mom & her husband. So I spent time at work, school, and the gym. I wrote down every calorie and fat gram and I shrunk.
Now here I am... happy in my relationship with my husband, but otherwise bored, unfulfilled, and borderline depressed. So I eat, and then eat, and eat again. I try to make plans to be healthier, to eat better, exercise and fill my time a little better. But each new day it goes out the window as I just have this overwhelming feeling of "what's the point?"
Over the long holiday I changed my last name to my husband's. It is weird. When we first got married I was anxious and excited to do it, like that was some important symbol of being married (or more likely it was something to focus on right after the wedding), but now that it is done I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I joke with him about it saying "at last, I'm owned by a man!" But in reality I feel like that is exactly what changing my name means, that I'm not my own woman any more. It never really occurred to me how hard it would be to give up who I was. Husband is traditional and wanted me to have his last name, but to his credit when I was discussing how weird it feels to go through the process, he did say if I felt strongly about it I didn't have to. But I did.
And now I sit with an identity crisis, between the name and the weight gain, I feel like I've just erased who I used to be.
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3 comments:
I kinda regret changing my last name. I was actually considering looking into changing it back but that would be ridiculous. Right?
Miranda -- not ridiculous. Just harder, because it has to go through a court petition first (so, yeah, I looked it up). I am hoping that it gets easier. We've been married less than 90 days, I've had my new name for under 10.
We both changed our last names. We were at first thinking about keeping my last name as a middle name, but at the end it looked just weird. He didn't feel any connection to his last name (due to crazy father whom he hadn't spoken to for year), and for me it was important that the whole family had the same last name. So at the end we both changed our names to an old family name on his side. It was weird to begin with, and I sometimes regret that we didn't keep my last name as a middle name, but now it just feels OK :)
I ttly understand the "what's the point feeling" - I guess the key to overcoming it is to remember why you want to do all those things. Maybe make a list of reasons why on your phone so you can just look it up whenever you feel "why bother".
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