Still here

I didn't realize it had been two weeks or more since I last posted. Things are pretty well the same. My moods go up and down (monday I was crying in the shower, today I feel confident and happy). My eating habits go in and out of being healthy.  My weight is up and down the revolving 122-125 wheel.  I've eaten out way to often in the last week which I know is a problem. My mom said I looked really skinny today and I did buy a kick ass dress this weekend which I had almost worn in december, but took back. And now, I bought it the next size down from the one I bought and returned at Christmas. And all of my work clothes fit even my pencil skirts. So that is progress. I think some of the pants could be loser. I am a littler nervous about my spring/ summer work pants, I think they are size 2 (yikes!).

The BF has been home a week. I did mention to him about starting the therapy group (which has been postponed! grr). But we didn't talk about my major melt down over my insecurities and jealousies. I just think, that every time I talk to him we don't break any real new ground, and yet when ever I ask something of him he does it. If I look back on our relationship any time I've said, "I really need you to do X to make me feel better, or closer to you." Or if I say, "When you do X I feel Y." He makes adjustments. They are not broad sweeping giant changes. But he's made adjustments. And what more can I ask for?

I've been doing some reading and I realize that I could be alot worse. I have never called my BF to find out if he is where he said he was, or with who he said he'd be with. I've never called over and over if he didn't pick up. I get on his FB alot. And I've looked at the pictures on his computer, and his web history. Which admittedly is bad. But I've done it maybe twice in 3.5 years.  It's something I feel I need to cut out cold turkey. I mean, I do actually trust him, so what am I looking for?  In one of the things I was reading about jealousy (okay, it was Dr. Phil, so sue me) he went way beyond jealousy being about insecurities into the controlling and manipulating realm. No, I don't do those other things I've mentioned. I've never asked him not to have girls as friends or not go out with them - even the ones I have a sneaky suspicion would totally move on him if it weren't for me. Because at the end of the day, I may not like it, but I know he has a choice, to be with me or them, and every day he chooses me. The short of it is - I don't think I want to be controlling. But at the end of the day, yeah, I guess I was trying to double check that he wasn't thinking of being with other girls.

I know part of it is building up my own confidence, so that I can say, hell yeah, of course he chooses me, as if there's even a question. Back when we first started dating, the part of our history when, I am now finding out, we were not on the same page about relationship status and monogamy, I didn't even think he'd be with anyone else. It literally never even crossed my mind. I thought he'd been hung up on his ex that he broke up with 8-10 months prior. Little did I know he was seeing people all summer and into the fall when I met him up until the new year. Oh well, one thing I know I need to work on is letting the past be in the past. I'm not even mad at him. I'm mad at I me. Yes, I feel like I was stupid for not asking him then, for not being open about my own expectations. {Sigh} Sorry, that was way more on that topic than I expected to write and went way off topic.....

I bought these on groupon today:  http://zaggora.com/hotpants/

I am not sure that they'll work, but for $26 dollars? They're not much more expensive than other work out gear. If they do work and/or I like them alot. I may splurge for the capri  or long version to use next winter when I run.

I've also applied to more jobs, put my resume online in a bunch of places. The BF found a place to live and moves in May 1. My group therapy was rescheduled to start the first week in April, and goes 8 weeks. Which means,  I am looking at moving in June, unless a job falls out of the sky before then, and I may have to join a temp agency in order to make it happen.