EDA

Eating Disorders Anonymous

So here's how my day went....

Up at 6am, running by 6:15 for over half an hour. Come home, stretch, do a weights workout and clean up.
9am breakfast of baked oatmeal and coffee w/ sugar free syrup
cleaning as method of procrastination while I watched random things on hulu and listened to Jillian Michael's podcasts.
12:30 lunch of veggies and humus, and fruit salad
1:20 drive to work
2:05 get there just barely on time despite stupid construction and really bad drivers. Begin reading blogs when my office mate is not around.
It was a free lunch today even though I missed it, I thought they'd have good dessert and I budgeted it into my 1200 calories for the day. I told my coworker to save me one. But I get there and there's nothing. She said dessert sucked and so she didn't get it for me. So, I should have been happy right... down 200 calories and I didn't have to do anything.  No, not me.
3pm finish off the rest of my fruit salad
3:30 buy pretzel M&Ms
4pm realize there are big tootsie rolls in our candy stash (we have a bowl on our reception desk at all time and the stash is what we refill from) take one.
4:10 look at the label and find out there is partially hydrogenated oil in it (AKA the dreaded Trans Fat, the kind that you can never burn off through exercise).
4:20 figure I should probably start doing some actual work, and figure that it's at least good procrastination
4:45 find out that a project I was supposed to be working on today was taken over by someone else. Despite this meaning less work for me, it disrupts my plans for the day and could mean a different project comes my way that I really don't want to do. I get cranky. But I continue working.
7:00 manage to pawn off less desirable project on my other coworker,  by offer some minimal help in the mean time. Hit the candy stash again for hard candies this time
7:30 realize I need to take my break soon, go to dinner and have a conversation with someone in the staff lounge who has lost 30 lbs recently. We talk about making healthy choices, craving good for you foods etc.
8pm back at my desk, I hit the stash again this time discover a tiny box of Dots and fruit flavored tootsie rolls.
8:30 we close, I leave with tootsie pop and decide that I'm going to make a grilled cheese sandwich and fries when I get home.
9:30 at the grocery store entering a $20 into the U-Scan for: 2 donuts, 2 cupcakes, box of cookies, 2 pints of ice cream, tortilla chips, and cheese dip. I get $2.73 in change back.
10:25  throwing up: 2 cookies, 2 donuts, 2 half-cupcakes, tortilla chips and cheese dip (maybe two servings), a tootsie pop and my salad from dinner. (those last ones were unintended).

It's now past 11 and I am watching people on the EAD chat board talk about normal stuff. They all seem to know each other. I missed a meeting by an hour, though it looks like they didn't actually have one. Thinking about going to tomorrows, even though I'll technically be working.

I am just having a hard time figuring out this binge. I am back into major stress mode which I know I am doing to myself. I am procrastinating with exercise and cleaning instead of doing my freelance work and my classwork.  I am almost 3 weeks behind in class and I have a test on two of them on Monday. I have a project I said I would get done in 10 days and that was 3 days ago. I have not even done 10% of the work.  But in 2 weeks I need to wear this dress in a size 2 to a wedding

and right now it won't get over my fat ass. I know that if I would stick to a normal diet 90% of the time, I wouldn't yo-yo in weight like this. I was 118 before the 4th of July. I was 126 this morning before my run and weights 125.5 after.

I do not currently have the same body that my boyfriend said was in better shape than him over the 4th of July weekend.  I truly want to be healthy, I want to eat organic whole foods. I don't want to eat HFCS, trans-fats, MSG, chemical preservatives. But then I get these stupid cravings for this junk and I binge. Sometimes for days. And here I am wasting money that I don't really have to spend on food that is just going to be puked up an hour later. How much sense does that make?

How much sense does it make to eat shit that I know won't help me fit into this dress? Why can't I follow through with what I already know?

And what the hell happened tonight? How did I go from being so good all day to just throwing it all away?

I have this weird feeling about the purging - on the one hand I don't like doing it. My post-vacation binge I didn't purge. On the other hand I felt proud of myself for getting so much up, glad that it wasn't in me anymore, yet angry that I ate it at all.

I wish I could just be normal with food not over or under eating.