I am back

So, it's monday and I am back at work... blech.

Had a pretty nice weekend with the BF though.

I was actually up on Friday before leaving for the airport. Which was crazy based on how little I had eaten the day before. I can only attribute it to not enough sleep and having weighed myself about 3 hours earlier than normal. Bfast was 1/2 a hard boiled egg I managed to peel and bite into before the cab arrived, an orange and half a fruit cup at the airport.

I shouldn't have worried about swimming on Friday because it turned out I didn't have the time anyway. By the time we got the rental car, dropped the BF at work and checked into the hotel I only had a few hours to shop for jewelry and spanx.  I ended up buying $72 dollar Spanx which was out of my price range (I really wanted the $38 Assets), but I saved a bundle on jewelry - only $10 for some cubic zerconia earrings and the BF put my $6 airport fruit cup on the company card.  Plus, I feel like I'll need the spanx at new years too.

I managed the entire afternoon with only a small sugar-free soy latte the whole rest of the day before going to the dinner. I thought I looked pretty good. The dress was still a little too tight - I had to walk like a freakin' geisha all night, and the skirt kept riding up (it's long to begin with) and wrinkling around the waist. But I think that I really did look nice (two female employees came in pants! I mean, really? The invite said cocktail attire).  Until the very end that is.  I don't know why. Maybe it was the combination of alcohol, and the long ride back to the hotel with no promise of a cool after party, but my mood took a huge nose dive. The BF went across the street to an Applebee's or something for a last beer with his co-workers and I went back to the room to sob and take a hot shower, because I just wasn't up to socializing with them even more. It's hard, because I know he wants me to be social with them, but they are his co-workers, I am an outsider to their little clique. I get along better with the other spouses/dates. On top of that I was just feeling super fat and ugly. Which I shouldn't have. I checked myself out in the mirror in the hotel and I DID look good. It was just being in a dress that was a little uncofortable, knowing that I should've been dieting for a lot longer to feel better in my dress.


Anyway, Saturday was good we went out to a really nice dinner and met a friend for her birthday. I pulled out my sequin skirt from Express that I have been wanting to wear for so long. I paired with a mesh sweater, black tights and low black boots to make it a little more casual. I was so happy to finally get to wear it. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But we were out at a club for this birthday and I'm watching the girls in there thinking... I bent over backwards to get into my clothes, wearing spanx to even everything out while still feeling fat and shitty about myself.  Then here are these girls in this club with tiny dresses showing every lump, and bump and they act like they are supermodels. Maybe it's all in perception, maybe some people are super good at covering up what is going on inside, but still, sometimes I wonder why I bother. If I'll never feel like I'm thin enough, or look good enough?

Sunday was a super lazy day of beer and football, then movies on the couch and I ate way too much and way too many carbs. And today I am back to where I was a week ago.  Well, not exactly. Because the scale says one thing, and my clothes say another. As long as I can go back to my original plan which is what I was doing, but slightly less extreme. Maybe I'll go into the new year at a semi-normal weight.