So, it's the middle of the night here and I haven't been able to sleep for the last two hours since the BF and I went to bed. We had a huge talk. Huge.
I basically confessed all the crappy, jealous, insecure, depressed feelings I have been having. I haven't really put them in this blog, because I haven't had time, but since moving and not having my therapist, all the progress I had made has gone poof! and disappeared. Add to that the fact that BF is working 90 hour weeks and volunteering (because of the DUI) and outside of work I am mostly on my own. And making no headway on a new/better job.
The result is me being a total bitch to him when we are together. Picking fights, being sarcastic and mean, and just shutting down. I thought that i was faking happy enough of the rest of the time, but apparently not.
Today was especially bad and hence our big talk. I don't know how well it went to be honest. I mean, it ended with him hugging me and telling me I'm not alone. It started with him sympathizing with my job search and depression, and admitting to some insecurities himself. But in the middle there was me telling him I don't trust him (which isn't entirely true) and that I expect him to find someone better and that I blame him for me being unhappy here.He didn't say too much that was hurtful, other than that I have to do some stuff on my own and my brain immediately cried out 'Then why the fuck did I move here!?!?' But he really meant the making myself feel better, the therapy, and the finding a job and going after it. He can't get those things for me. He also did compliment me on how well I rolled with the lightening fast transition to this new town.
But what sticks in my head the most was the fact that he said that this needs to get fixed with us because 10 years down the line he doesn't want to wake up to a super nagging wife (not that I'm 'nagging' in the strictest sense).
Just that one comment, even though it says that our relationship isn't really working right now, he's thought of me 10 years in the future as his wife. I think a big part of me always believed I was the rebound relationship, or that he truly wanted to be with his ex-fiance or one of the girls he was dating when we met. But with that one comment, I feel like I have hope, if I can just reclaim the self-assured me.
And I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me (I think we both do actually) starting with showing him that I do infact trust him (it's only the insecure voice that tells me not to) and probably getting a new therapist.
2 comments:
Oh honey.. things will be OK. I think it's a good thing that you got it in the open - this way he can try to understand and you can work on it together. sometimes getting it out helps :)
and if you need to talk until you get that therapist - feel free to give me a poke.
Sounds like a really good talk. It sucks because sometimes there are things we don't want to hear but that need to be said. Anytime you are not happy or have negative feelings it comes out in your behavior even when you think you are hiding it. I tend to do the same thing. Sounds like he's there for you and wants to be with you. He communicated what he was feeling, you talked and hopefully you can move forward from there.
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