Worst Month Ever

So April sucked big time. I actually completely forgot about my birthday that's how sucky it was.

My beautiful sweet kitty cat (OK - Orange Kitty) got sick and passed away at the same time somebody stole my credit card numbers and used them on online gambling websites. When you're paying big vet bills is not the time to be with out a credit card!  Or a job. Because we are not meeting this years goals, there are budget cuts big time at work. Vacant positions are not being filled and part-time wokers hours are being capped. Which means at the end of the month I will reach my alotted hours and won't be working anymore. And to even get the whole month of May I had to cut back on my weekly hours.

On the same day OK passed away I found out I had a job interview. I drove 6 hours each way and payed for a hotel twice in two weeks because they wanted to interview me twice.  On the third week I was rejected apparently because they went with someone with more experience. Huh? Did they or did they not look at my resume? They even interviewed me for a position higher than the one I applied for, but still it's experience? Bull shit. Why can't they just be honest and tell me what I did or said wrong, or why they really don't want me. I don't want to sue them, I just want to improve and get a fucking job with someone else so I can move with my boyfriend already.

I've been in therapy for a month now. I started at the end of March when OK was sick but I thought he was going to get through. I know he's "just" a cat, but his death has colored this whole month. For a couple of weeks it was difficult to function normally because I either wanted to crawl into a ball or just sit and cry. It was hard to be at work.  There was a lot of guilt to deal with, wondering if I could have prevented this from happening to him, wondering if I should have taken him to an emergency vet (though my vet is really good), wondering if I should have just kept him home and let him die there with me instead of taking him to the vet the last day.  I know I can't second guess myself. I loved him and did the very best I could for him - above and beyond some would say, considering he's a cat. But still...

The first couple of weeks I wasn't eating. But everyone noticed I wasn't eating, and I didn't want to cook (because OK loved the kitchen and would either eagerly watch me cook from his special spot, or try to nab things off the counter with a paw) so I started eating out - alot - because it was easier than planning anything. I slept alot too.  I've gotten out of my morning workout routines. Unless I'm with the BF I don't sleep very well and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Now I have gained again. I'm out of shape and still pretty depressed.

I have been in therapy. We are working on my jealousy issues and me communicating with my BF and me dealing with the move and job search. About how I am not happy in my current position, but that is what I have been applying for anyway and I haven't made more than cursory efforts to try something new.

Anyway.... feeling sad about OK will only get better in time. There is nothing I can do but go through the grieving process and be there for BK (black kitty) who is also sad right now and missing her best friend.

But, I do need to make May a better month. So the plan is this:

• 1300 calories a day, only eating back my exercise calories IF I am going to go below 1000 net.
• 30 Day Shred and running when the weather and schedule allows for a total of 5 work outs a week.
• Weigh once a week on Friday.
• Fly Lady beginner baby steps.
• Job applications - aim for 3 a week, work up to 5 a week.

I haven't set up a schedule for this yet, though I think I will need to. I am hoping that I can get back into my old good habits with the exercise. I am not even going to worry too much about cooking yet, just keeping to my calories. The rest I am hoping will fall into place as the month wears on and that by July I'll be skinny and employed again.